Wednesday 31 December 2014

Looking back, looking ahead

I'm finally home after a 9 hour shift at work. I feel tired, yet serene. 2014 has had its share of ups and downs, and on the whole, I would say it has been a good year.

Despite the fact that my job doesn't really fit me, I have somehow managed to do it the best I could. I know my employer is happy with me, and I get the feeling he'd be sorry to see me go. I may not be able to fulfil all of the duties that come with the post, but he appreciates some other qualities I bring to the job - such as being able to deal with foreign customers! I get called whenever someone in the shop needs something but can't speak French, and most of the time, I manage (even though my Dutch is sketchy at best).

I have some truly lovely customers, like the lady who offered to drive me home when I was feeling very ill, or the one who gave me a 5-euro voucher "to thank me for my kindness and helpfulness".

Nicholas and I are really happy together. Our relationship is growing strong and committed. I feel extremely blessed: he is a kind, considerate and funny man; and we communicate very well.

2014 has also been a year of spiritual growth - delving deeper into the complexities of faith, the Bible, the person of Jesus and what a living relationship with him implies. I have joined an online faith community that I really value.

At some point in the past year, I set myself some goals. There were as follows:

- Pass my driving license. Done! It was a tedious and at times frightening process, but now I drive on my own and my confidence grows every day.

- Set myself up as a freelance translator. All the paperwork is sorted, but I really struggle to find customers. On the other hand, I have a lot of requests for private tuition in English, and maybe that is a better avenue to explore in 2015!

- Start saving up into a pension fund: done, after years of telling myself, "I really ought to do this!"

- Keep working on the stories I have started writing. Unfortunately, I have made little progress with this. However, I have set up two blogs that I update regularly, and I really enjoy blog writing.

So what would I like to achieve in 2015?

I would really like to find a new job. I need to set myself smart targets for this to work out: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely. So at some point in January, I will sit down and translate this into a practical plan.

I want to keep writing, and especially, write in French on the subject of autism and Asperger's (which is the theme of my other blog, written in French).

And of course, I would like all my relationships to keep growing strong and healthy: Nicholas, my family, my close friends, and God.

I feel positive about 2014, and also about 2015. Bring it on!

Friday 26 December 2014

What is church for, anyway?

Possibly the most significant aspect of my life is faith.

I told elsewhere how I came to it, and why I still believe despite going through hard times and wrestling with difficult questions. Faith is my breath of life; it's what motivates me, keeps me going, challenges me. It runs through my veins.

When talking about the Christian faith, soon enough the question of church comes into play. Is it compulsory? Is it useful?

When I first became a Christian, going to church was a normal part of my life. The reason for this was simple: it was my main social circle as an expatriate. When I went back to Belgium, I joined a church with my mother and joined a student Bible study group at university.

Back then, I thought church had two main uses: worship and teaching. I love singing as a form of expression, and worship songs enable me to express my faith and my love for God. Then there was the teaching: church was the main place where I could learn about Jesus, God, the Bible, and how I should live my life. This latter aspect seemed very important back then - preachers spent a lot of time telling you how to interpret what the Bible says about how you should live and what you should believe. I took it all in and strove to live up to it - usually not very successfully, but that's the topic of another post.

The community aspect of it was more complicated for me. I guess most people find it easy to mingle with similar-minded people. In my case, it's a little different. I need structure. If I can join a Bible study/discussion group, it usually works out. The purpose is clear: I know what to do, I love asking questions, learning, enquiring, throwing ideas around. The tricky time is on Sundays, right after the service has ended. People form loose groups and make small talk, and I never quite know what to do. I linger around, flick through some books, and try to find someone I know who isn't busy chatting to someone else. Most of the time I feel uncomfortable. I know now that this is because of my autism, but I didn't know that back then.

At some point in my life, I struggled with depression. That is when church and I started to have our issues. Church wasn't there for me in my time of trial. So I wasn't there for church, either.

Eventually, though, I overcame depression - and one significant aspect was that I found a church that helped me. Did it help me through teaching or worship? Nope. It helped me through community. They welcomed me in very practical ways: inviting me over for Sunday lunch or just for a cup of tea, offering genuine friendship, and supporting me in my struggles without judging me.

Since then, I have thought and read a lot about the concept of church.

The French word for church, "église", comes from the greek word ἐκκλησία (ekklesia), meaning "assembly".

I feel that is what church really is.

Church is not primarily a building. Church is not primarily a place of worship or teaching. Church is a community of people. My friend Mike put very simply what those people have in common: "Ordinary people who know someone extraordinary". We believe - trust in - Jesus. 

Another one of my friends, Robert, wrote about the hypocrisy of those who think coming to the Sunday service is enough. I tend to agree with him. Sunday service is not enough. A church I used to attend closed its service with those words: "The worship has ended, let the service begin".

Church is solidarity. Church is organising a Christmas meal for those in your neighbourhood who would otherwise spend that day alone. Church is ringing up someone who is going through tough shit, and listen to them ranting without interrupting them with unasked-for advice or trite words of wisdom such as, "God only gives you as much as you can handle". Church is supporting people and people supporting you; people helping you to grow in faith and in love, to grow into the person God intended you to be.

This is why I still go to church, even though I don't always agree with the teachings, or the songs are not as inspiring as I'd like: because of the people. Because they're my community, my family, warts and all.

Whenever you are kind to someone, whenever you lend a helping hand, whenever you pray for someone: you are church. Whenever you stand up against injustice and speak up for those who are suffering: you are church. Whenever you get together for support, you are church. Whenever you do all this, and you do it because of Jesus, you are church.

It is so much more than a Sunday thing.

Thursday 25 December 2014

Christmas

I guess I could write a long post about what Christmas is really all about. The incarnation, and/or love, peace, sharing, all of that.

But you know, lots of people have already written brilliantly about that.



So I'm just going to wish you all, my beloved readers, a fun, joyous, lovely Christmas. Enjoy your day, enjoy the winter holidays and time with your loved ones.

Merry Christmas everybody!





Monday 22 December 2014

A chilly feel of 1933?

The Belgian Immigration office would like to be able to search people's homes without a warrant if they suspect they might harbour "illegal" immigrants. Theo Francken, the Immigration Minister, is looking into making this legal. Francken is from a party called N-VA (Nieuw-Vlaamse Alliantie - New Flemish Alliance), a Flemish nationalist and conservative party.

Such disregard for people's fundamental rights, violating their very home, terrifies me. Is my country governed by fascists?

I can only recall Martin Niemöller's words:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me.

Monday 15 December 2014

Meltdown

Today, I had a meltdown on may way home.

Nothing happened in particular.

I'm just so sick and tired of my job, of feeling cold all the time, of the constant noise, and of having to constantly wear my "kind and polite supermarket employee" mask when people irritate the hell out of me with their familiarity, their rudeness, their mean-spirited "humour".

I try so hard to look at the positive and to be grateful, knowing full well that there are far worst jobs, and that some people in the world are being exploited and enslaved, and that others struggle to find work. I try. I really do.

But on days like today I just hate it, hate it, hate it; and I guess it's healthier to aknowledge that, than pretend I'm OK.

So I cried and vented and ranted.

And tomorrow... is another day.

Friday 12 December 2014

What popular Christmas songs taught me

- The old "car's broken down" routine is nothing new.

"A day or two ago
I thought I'd took a ride
And soon Miss Fannie Bright
Seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortuned seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank" - Jingle Bells


- Reindeers are bullies and hypocrites.

"All of the other reindeers
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Then all the reindeers loved him" - Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer

- If you can't find a priest or vicar to wed you and your sweetheart, just build a snowman.

"In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say are you married
We'll say No Man
But you can do the job
When you're in town" - Winter Wonderland

- As a baby, Jesus was a freak child who never cried when woken. (I seriously doubt that)

"The cattle are lowing
The poor Baby wakes
But little Lord Jesus
No crying He makes" - Away in a manger

- In terms of bullying people into giving you treats, Halloween has got nothing on Christmas.

"Now bring us some figgy pudding
And a cup of good cheer

We won't go until we get some" - We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Oh, the idiocies we sing. 

 

Tuesday 2 December 2014

Taking off the rose-tinted glasses

I guess my latest post may have puzzled some of you.

Back in October, I wrote about finding the positive in my work. That is what I have been striving to do for almost two years, because I don't want to be ungrateful for what I do have, and because looking at the positive helps me feel better.

However, the more time goes by, the less I can deny this very simple truth:

I actually hate my job.

Obviously, there is the fact that it doesn't fit my training, experience and skills at all. I have two university degrees - one in languages and translation, and the other one in teaching. Over the years, I have worked in the administrative field at first, then in the education field, mainly as a teaching assistant and holiday carer for children with special needs. Now I work in a supermarket. I have no training in sales or marketing, and no affinity for those kind of things.

In fact, the more I work in sales, the more appalled I am by the tactics used to make people buy things (I wrote a little bit about that in my post about advertising). For instance, we regularly have a "Buy one, get one free" offer on crates of cheap beer - and this, in a town where alcohol problems are rampant. I find that criminal, but, "That's just business". Not to mention the conditions in which many of the things we sell are made - think about slave-harvested shrimp or chocolate. So I am part of an industry that goes against everything I believe in.

There is also the work environment itself. I have an autistic spectrum disorder. I have sensory issues - I am extremely sensitive to noise, and my brains struggles to process more than one information at once. In my shop, there is the buzzing of fridges, neon lights, and air conditioning, the beeping of the tills, the constant background music - and I cannot shut it off. As a result, I struggle to concentrate on my work, and at the end of the day, I am mentally exhausted even though my job isn't intellectually challenging. Sensory overload, coupled with my low tolerance to stress, has brought about many a meltdown.

Another issue is having to interact with a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, I usually like people and enjoy helping them. However, having to deal with customers' requests while carrying out other tasks I need to focus on is difficult. And I really struggle with people's familiarity. Customers see me every day, and they seem to think I'm somehow close to them. Of course, this means the culturally expected greeting kiss, but it also means some customers feel it's OK to squeeze my shoulder or even, I kid you not, affectionately slap my bum (I politely asked the lady who did it every time she saw me to stop doing it. She took it well, but what made her think it was OK in the first place?).

The content of the job itself is the same week in, week out. It's not interesting, and most of the time I'm really cold, because I'm in the refrigerated foods department.

So all in all, and not matter how many fun little sides I may found to it, and no matter how much I want to be grateful to have a job in the first place, I hate it, and I struggle more and more.

I need a new job, but I don't even know where to start...

Monday 1 December 2014

A giraffe on an ice field

Once upon a time, some poachers captured a young giraffe to sell him to a zoo. They bound him in thick ropes, so he couldn't escape without injuring himself; and put him on a boat headed to a country where they didn't have giraffes. Children would be delighted to gaze at him, no doubt.

The journey lasted for weeks and weeks, and the weather was getting colder and colder until the boat ran into a storm. In the chaos that ensued, the giraffe fell overboard just before the boat sank.

By some stroke of luck, however, he managed to swim to a very close shore.

It was very odd and unlike anything he had seen before. First of all, it had no colour - just an endless field of blinding white. Then, it was cold - as cold as the water he had been in moments before. He started to shiver as he took a few hesitant steps. Boy, was it slippery!

He had landed on an ice field.

Now our giraffe was a very clever creature. His height and long neck allowed him to reach the highest foliage to feed, and his tongue was grooved to easily strip leaves from branches.

Pity there were no trees to feed from, only ice.

His patches of brown and tan made great camouflage on the yellow, sun-beaten grasslands of Africa.

But the giraffe wasn't in a brown and tan grassland. He was on a dazzling white ice field, and he really stood out.

The giraffe had beautiful, long lashes around his eyes that were very useful to keep insects out.

Only, there were no insects on the ice field.

His wide hooves and nimble legs gave him good balance and the ability to run fast.

However, his hooves slipped on the ice and he couldn't run.

All of our giraffe's wonderful characteristics were completely useless, sometimes even a hindrance, because he wasn't in the right environment.

That giraffe, my friends, is me.