Living with high-functioning autism: a vlog.

Vlog.

I made this video for a friend who is a 7th grade teacher in the US. She asked me to record a personal testimonial for her class. I figured I might as well share it with a wider audience.

Battling depression, part one

Lately, I learnt that someone close to me is severely depressed. As their story unravelled, I felt both overwhelmed with empathy, because I have battled depression myself (as I mentioned in a previous post), and with powerlessness, because I'm not sure how I can help. A friend of mine and fellow depression sufferer once asked me, "How did you get over it?" I suppose she was hoping for some trick, some tips on how to beat it. I wish there was a magic spell to make people better, but I don't know any.

I do know one thing, though: it helps to know that you're not alone, that other people know what you're going through. This is why I am writing this today.

The first time I remember suffering from depression is as a teenager. I was a very lonely child, as I had huge difficulties relating to others because of my Asperger's syndrome. I was bullied because of my quirks, and I had no idea how to make things better for myself. I also had self-esteem issues. I cried a lot and felt misunderstood. It's around that time I started self-harming. At first, I would tear bits of skin from my fingertips with a needle. Then I started cutting with a pocket knife. Seeing the blood on my arm gave me an odd sense of relief, as if the mutilation matched the wounds that were tearing me inside. 

One night, I tried to commit suicide by taking some pills. I was rushed to hospital. I remember my father telling me "We love you". I also remember telling my parents I was so screwed up I needed a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, the lady they took me to likely had no experience dealing with teens, and I stopped going after a while, claiming I was feeling better (which was false). At that time, I also promised my grandmother I would never try to kill myself again - a very important promise that may have saved my life.

When I was 18, a few things helped me feel better. Thanks to my parents' support, I traveled to London to study English for a year. That year was a turning point for me. First, because people had no expectations of my behaviour. At school, I had been the depressed girl who was always crying. In a vaguely conscious way, I felt trapped in that persona. In London, I could try and be someone different, someone happier. I made new friends, people who accepted me as I am. All of them were members of the church I went to, which links to the other important factor: I became a Christian. 

My faith helped me in different ways. The Christian idea that God forgives our sins lifted the burden of guilt off my heart. I was keenly aware of ways I had hurt my loved ones through my behaviour, and felt I did not deserve happiness. Believing I could be forgiven and start afresh was a huge step. However, there are two sides to that coin: the Christian doctrine of sin can add new and heavier burdens to one's soul... but I am getting ahead of myself.

Faith also gave me a sense of worth, and a purpose. I have worth as a child of God - I am loved beyond all measure, and my purpose is to have a relationship with God. These basic beliefs still help me tremendously today.

I still had regular bouts of anxiety and distress, though. I often cried and often felt lonely and at odds with other people.
 
The battle was far from over.

Be careful what you pray for... God may answer yes!

As you know, I am deeply dissatisfied with my job, and one of my goals, this year, is to look into alternatives.

Last year, I registered as a freelance translator (I studied languages and translation originally), thinking I could do this on the side and build a client base. However, over the course of a whole year, I only had one translation request. I felt rather disheartened and stuck in a rut.

 A few days ago, I decided to ask for prayer in a Facebook Christian group I'm a part of. 

The very next day, I phoned an organisation in my area that offers private language classes to individuals and small groups. I wanted to offer my services as a language tacher, as I have doing it privately for a few friends. The director told me he had no opening for the moment. However, he is currently expanding his client base, and if all goes according to plan, in a couple of months' time he will need a new teacher of English to work with him. He sounded impressed with my level of English. He asked me to send my CV, referring to our phone conversation. This was already very positive.
 
Then later the same day, I received an email from the publishing director of a Christian publishing company. He got my details through a friend of mine and asked if I could make them an offer to translate a Christian book on ethics from English into French. He sent me a pdf copy. The book gives a brief overview of ethics and morals in the Western world throughout history, the influence of the Bible, Greek thought, the Enlightenment, and Christian theologians. It's very interesting and I enjoyed reading it. I emailed him back saying I'd be glad to translate it.

Today, I privately messaged a member of my Facebook group, asking her to keep praying. Within minutes of that message exchange, the publishing director called me! He said if the publising company's manager gives the OK, they'll send me a paper copy of the book.

I'm actually rather anxious, because I have only ever done one professional translation. It was very short (2 pages). Apart from this, I have translated various texts as a free service for friends. I have no real idea about the practical/professional side of things, and my training was such an awful long time ago!

My main cause for worry is that the author quotes (sometimes extensively) from other works on philosophy, religion and ethics (Thomas Aquinas, Kant, John Paul II, to name but three, as well as more recent and/or lesser known ones), so I'll have to find out whether those works have been translated in French so I can use the official translation. That will involve painstaking research, and I live in the middle of nowhere. I may need to plan a few trips to the nearest university!

The other worry, of course, is time. I already work 38 hours a week (and those are only my official hours, in reality I do 2 to 4 hours more every week), and as I mentioned, I do private English tuition as well. I'll have to be organised and disciplined. 

Right now I feel overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions. Gratitude and amazement at how God answered the prayers of my online community, excitment, joy, of course. But anxiety and nervousness as well because of the issues I mentioned above, and because I still have that nagging little voice of low self-esteem telling me I may not be able to do it. God answering prayers - that can be scary, sometimes.

All I can do is move forward one step at a time - walking in trust. If you're a praying person, would you please pray for me? 

Logo designed by my graphic designer friend Bélinda. 

Top anxiety triggers for people with autism

As you probably know if you've been reading my blog, I have Asperger's syndrome, which is an autistic spectrum disorder. Today, something happened at work that reminded me of how fragile I can be, and I decided to share what happened and how it affected me.

I had just begun my shift. It was early in the morning and I was putting fresh loaves of bread on the shelves. All of a sudden, a loud hooting sound resonated behind me.

It made me jump. It made my heart race and my head swim; my hands became clammy. It brought tears to my eyes and a sudden feeling of rage rose in my chest. I turned around and saw my colleague standing on the forklift truck, laughing. He realised straight away I was upset and shrugged, "Smile, it was just a joke!"

A joke isn't funny when it's at someone else's expense. As it happens, loud, sudden noises cause me a lot of anxiety, and it can affect how I feel for the rest of the day. Here are the top 3 anxiety triggers for people with autism - people like me.

1. Uncertainty - not knowing what is happening or what is going to happen, or not knowing what is expected of us. You may know that people with autism need routines. What you may not know is that this is not just a preference. When something unexpected happens, we feel completely at loss, and we panic.

Most daily rules and routines change because of circumstances, but people with autism really struggle with that. For instance, you may have forbidden your autistic child from going in the laundry room because you don't want them to touch the washing machine. But today, your child has been playing outside and their clothes are covered in mud, so you take them straight to the laundry room to undress. The child will not understand why they're being taken in a place that is forbidden. The resulting tantrum or lack of compliance is not a display of bad behaviour, but a display of deep anxiety. You need to either stick to the rule, or, if your child has enough understanding, explain how, under those circumstances and under your supervision, they may come into the previously forbidden room.

2. Social interactions. We may struggle to understand social cues (or even language) or to communicate appropriately. Or, if we have been trained to act in the socially appropriate way, it still doesn't come naturally, and the effort is exhausting. If we have to interact with people we don't know well, or not at all, we have the extra stress of not knowing how that person will act. Social norms that we find difficult may be imposed on us. For instance, in my area, most people like to greet each other with a peck on the cheek. Refusing to do so is considered as rude as refusing to shake hands (something that many autistic people don't like, either!). Yet, letting someone touch my face requires trust, so I feel really uncomfortable when colleagues or regular customers insist on greeting me in that manner. I daren't refuse because I don't want to be rude, but it makes me feel anxious and stressed.

3. Sensory issues. Most of us are highly sensitive to light, noise, or touch. Sudden, loud noises cause me physical discomfort or pain, and set me on edge for a long time. So do unexpected touches - people may touch my shoulder in what they mean to be a friendly manner, but if I do not expect it, I will jump. Always make sure an autistic person is fine with you touching them before you do so - and by the way, should not that apply to everyone? My body isn't public property. I am the only one who should decide when it's OK for someone else to touch it.

People with autism struggle with things that most people take for granted. Please, keep those things in mind.

Robin Williams, suicide, and choice

Since the news of Robin William's death came yesterday, a lot has been written over the internet about depression and suicide.

Most people expressed sadness and compassion. Many shared their own struggle with depression. But some simplistic-minded people expressed opinions that left the rest of us reeling with disbelief and anger. Matt Walsh's blog is one example: he basically implies that suicide is a wilful choice, and offers joy as "the only thing that defeats depression". Although I do not know the man, I think it unlikely that he has any personal knowledge of the issue, given how simplistic his assessment is.

While I am no doctor or psychiatrist, I suffered from depression for many years. It started in my early teens and followed me long into adulthood. At certain times, it was a burden so heavy that I simply could not function. At others times, it was like a ball and chain I was dragging around, slowing me down. It often wrecked havoc in my sleep patterns and appetite.

Depression can also trigger destructive behaviour, which can be a cry for help, or the result of self-loathing, or being so far gone that you no longer care - or a bit of all three. As a teenager, I cut my forearm with a knife. As a thirty-something, I drank too much. And I did contemplate suicide several times - in fact, I had a failed attempt at the age of 15 (and very thankful it was a failure, too).

Is suicide a choice? In a way, yes, but that is only part of the picture. Depression can choke you up in such a way that you feel like there are no other alternatives. None at all.

My mother is a nurse and we once discussed euthanasia. She told me that in many cases, what patients really want is for the pain to stop. When they're given medication that relieves their suffering, those people usually no longer wish to die. Depression can be just the same - it's not so much that you want to die, it's that you want to stop hurting, and you feel like nothing else can make the pain stop, ever. You feel trapped, crushed, all hope extinguished - the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.

I’ve been in that place where death feels like the only way to stop the pain and the anguish. I chose, time and again, to say “no” to suicide. But if you've never been in that place, you have no right to condemn someone who has, because you do not know what such hopelessness feels like.

Suicide may be a choice, but it's one you make when you feel trapped and cornered; when you feel all other options have been taken away from you. Maybe not such a wilful choice after all!

It's true that only you have the power to get better; but at the same time, you whole being feels empty of any power. And in those times, you need support - not easy answers. I once was told the following by a counsellor: "You're making yourself depressed. Keep yourself busy and you'll forget to feel sad. Smile and people will smile back at you." Oh, if only it were so simple! Depression is not a choice. I did not want to be depressed. I wanted to be happy and full of life, but I couldn't. I simply couldn't. Telling me it was my fault added guilt to the deep emotional distress I was feeling. It did not help.

It is true that depression is more than a chemical imbalance – there are many other factors, including spiritual ones. Yet it is a disease, a very real disease that can cause immense pain and grief. There are no easy answers, even for the Christian. I have heard well-meaning Christians say that "Depression isn't from God". That may well be, but neither is cancer - and we ought to aknowledge the battle of those who fight it, not belittle it or burden them with the guilt of lacking faith or lacking joy.

So how do you get better? I don't know. Everyone is different.

How did I get better? I never let depression define me. I often felt that there was a happy woman inside me, eager to come out, and come out she did. Many things helped. Friends and family. Counselling (with a better counsellor than the one I discussed earlier!). My faith. Writing. Long walks. Learning to savour little joys such as the feeling of rain on my face, tasting a favourite dish, enjoying someone's company, listening to music. Happiness crept back on me and I clung to it.

How can you get better? I don't know how you can. I'm not you. But I know you can. Keep trying - don't give up.

Stephen Fry is an English comedian, actor and writer who suffers from depression.

One final word: the best book I have ever read about depression is Michael Rosen's Sad Book. Look it up.

Driving anxieties

I am 34 and I still don't have a driving license. This often gets me perplexed looks from people, and endless lecturing about how I really should get around to it.

It isn't all that simple.

I remember the first times I tried driving a car when I was about 17. I remember the terror as I felt the strength of the engine - a strength I was supposed to be able to control. I remember the car jumping as I stalled it, or roaring angrily when I stepped on the accelerator pedal. I hated it.

Then I went away to study, and from then on, I only lived in big towns with good public transport. It was very convenient. I never had to worry about driving - buses, trains, a bike, or asking friends for a lift worked just fine. Moreover, it seemed to me that the environmental cost of driving a car was too high, and that not driving was a responsible thing to do. In any case, I couldn't afford to maintain a car.

However, 2 years ago, I moved back to my parents', who live in the countryside, and my troubles began. Public transport is virtually non-existent, and access to basic facilities such as banks, post offices or shops involves at least a 15-minute drive. I became entirely dependent on my parents to get anywhere. I had no choice. I had to start learning how to drive.

The theory test wasn't a problem. I've always been a fast learner when it comes to purely academic skills. I studied the rules, booked the test, passed it. Simple. Putting it into practise, there's the rub.

I got in touch with a driving instructor, a very kind and patient lady. On my first day, we sat in the car for half an hour while she reassured me that it was going to be OK.

At first, even 20mph felt like I was going way too fast. Changing gears was choppy at best. Surely the car was a vicious beast that had no kind intentions towards me whatsoever. The most difficult thing to handle, though, was (and still is) other drivers. They're not necessarily bad drivers (although many are), but having to constantly take into account what someone else might do is exhausting to me. Passing each other on anything that isn't a main road is terrifying, because perspective makes me feel like that there isn't room enough. My instructor gave me a good tip, though. "Just look straight ahead at where you need to go, look as far ahead as you can; and you'll naturally steer the car in the right direction. Take notice of obstacles but don't dwell on them, because then you'd steer towards what you're focusing on." That helped. I made slow progress for a while, then winter happened - snow, black ice. I stopped the lessons and let time pass.

When I met Nicholas, he soon offered to help. I have to say he's the best driving instructor ever. He is calm and patient whatever the circumstances, and lets me learn at my own pace. He knows when to take me out of my comfort zone, but doesn't pushes me beyond my limits. I have made amazing progress since I first started... almost two years ago.

Two years seems like a long time to learn such a basic skill, right? Well, with Asperger's syndrome, it's not as basic as that. Driving involves concentrating on several things at once - the layout of the road, traffic signs, other users, changing gears, using indicators or wipers - all of this coming to my brain very fast, and my brain needs more time than most people to process information! It also requires anticipating, having to cope with constantly changing situations, and adjusting my actions accordingly, all things I struggle with. If it were as simple as, "If A happens, I must do B", I would be fine - but on the road lots of different things happen everytime and each scenario can feel like learning from scratch all over again. I took the test a few weeks ago and failed because a situation I wasn't prepared for arose and I reacted wrongly.

I am not giving up, though. I have come a long way, and I can drive in many contexts even though it causes me a lot of stress and often leaves me exhausted afterwards. Anxieties can be overcome, even with Asperger's.