This blog is on vacation!

Dear readers,

I'm on holidays in a beautiful area of the French Alps called Queyras. I'm loving it, going on long hikes in the mountains and seeing sights so breathtakingly beautiful it bring tears to my eyes. I will update my blog - probably with stories of the mountains and pictures - as soon as I come back to Belgium, or if we get a rainy day and I'm stuck inside!

Stay tuned... I haven't disappeared!

Dancing Fox

Picture taken during my latest holiday in Queyras last summer.

You don't have to shop at Primark

You may have heard about the cry-for-help label a customer found in a £10 Primark dress,

The label may or may not be genuine, but it still draws our attention to a horrible reality: as Western consumers, an awful lot of the items we purchase are produced by people who are being exploited. And by exploited, I don't mean they won't get a pay raise this year or will get less paid vacation. I mean they work over 12 hours a day for a salary that barely covers they most basic needs (that is, if they are paid at all), in appalling conditions such as little hygiene, poor lighting resulting in eyesight damage, cramped rooms, or exposure to harmful chemicals.

Now I know what some people might say: "I shop in Primark because I can't afford any alternative", like this lady writing for The Independent.

Actually, if you are genuinely concerned about ethical clothing but are worried about cost, you don't have to shop at Primark. Here are the reasons why.

1. Disposable fashion.

I don't know about you, but I have often found Primark clothing to be poor quality. After a few washes, the fabric seems to get thinner, the seams are askew, the item shrinks lengthwise but gets wider. This is because Primark clothes are not designed to last. With new styles being introduced several times a year, you get the buzz of finding a new trendy outfit, only to see it outdated in a matter of months. Soon you crave another new fashion item and the old one can be disposed of because it never was made to last anyway. This is exactly what fashion chain stores want you to do - actually, this is what the whole consumerist system wants you to do. They want you to keep buying stuff from them - even if you don't need it. In fact, they are willing to go to any length to make you buy stuff that you don't need.

If you go for style and quality instead, your clothes will last longer, and you won't look like every other fashionista out there: you will look like you, with your very own style. And if you buy quality that lasts, it will in fact turn out cheaper, because you won't need to keep buying clothes to replace those that are worn out too soon.

2. If you just love clothes (trust me, I do!), there actually are cheap alternatives to Primark.

Think second-hand: charity shops or jumble sales. Here you can find good quality, stylish clothes for a fraction of their original price. You may need to do a bit of searching, but it's as fun as a treasure hunt, and you're likely to find unique items. I once found a really cool leather jacket for €25 (£20). And if online shopping is your thing, Oxfam has an online shop as well. If you're hooked on the buzz of getting something new, why not hold regular clothes swap parties with your friends? Granted, items you will buy may still have been made by exploited workers, but you won't be paying into the system that keeps them exploited.

Don't be a fashion victim - be a trendsetter.

My £20 leather jacket!

How my asperger's syndrome got me a wonderful boyfriend

As I mentioned here, people with Asperger’s syndrome struggle with social interaction. Because of this, they (or their parents) often worry about how they will find a partner. Well, you know what? My Asperger’s syndrome actually helped me meet the man who has been my loving boyfriend for over a year. 

I have often found it difficult to interact appropriately with people, to the point of being labelled antisocial when I was a child. However, I actually like people (most of the time, anyway), and I try to be as kind as I can to others. I consider it the right thing to do – after all, should I not treat others the way I would like them to treat me?

I currently work in a supermarket, and being helpful, friendly and polite to customers is very important. So I always greet them with a big smile, and assist them in any way I can. Most of them are regular customers and like to stop and chat.

Some of them work in nearby offices and come in to buy their lunch every day. Around April last year, four of them started talking to me – generally to ask what I would advise them to buy in our reduced-price items. As usual, I tried my best to be friendly and polite. Now, because of my Asperger’s syndrome, I find it hard to focus on more than one thing at a time, including visually, which means I have difficulty focusing on more than one person in a conversation. So I unconsciously focused my attention (and my smiles) on the most talkative of them.

Not only did he think I was hitting on him, but he was left with the feeling of floating a few inches above the ground (his words, not mine!). This, unbeknownst to me. He spent the following weeks trying to come up with a way to talk to me and ended up giving me a book as a present (good choice as I'm an avid reader!). 

When I got home that day, I found a note inside the book with his name and his number. We started seeing each other and after a few weeks, he gave me a bracelet and asked me if I'd be his girlfriend.

I told him quite early on that I had Asperger’s syndrome. He didn’t seem to mind at all – actually, he finds my little quirks endearing. He is also very patient and understanding. I feel safe around him, because his calm disposition helps me overcome moments of anxiety. It also feels safe to be me – I don’t feel judged when I express my emotions in “less ordinary” ways such as jumping up and down, dancing or singing, or when I have a meltdown! He never pressures me into being a woman I’m not, but encourages me to grow into who I am meant to be. He makes me feel ready to face new challenges, such as driving – I will write more about that at some point!

But the bottom line is this: I met this wonderful, loving, caring, committed, funny, romantic man… because of a misunderstanding stemming from my Asperger’s!

My absolute favourite quote on love

Quote from the apostle Paul in his first letter to the church in Corinth. Chapter 13, verses 4 to 8. :)

Basic courtesy...

Dear customers of my supermarket,

It is my pleasure to help and assist you in your shopping in any way I can.

However, it would be much appreciated if you could use such words as, "Hello", "Please", and "Thank you", rather than come straight up to my face and say in a cross voice, "Where are the eggs?!"

Kind regards,

Your dairy department head.

Asperwhat?

In my latest post, I mention the fact that I have Asperger's syndrome. Some of you knew this already; to others, this might come as a surprise.

I think it might be useful to explain what it means, and how it affects me.

Asperger's syndrome is an autistic spectrum disorder. People on the autistic spectrum - people like me - struggle to process the information the world throws at them. We experience difficulties in three main areas: social communication, social interaction, and social imagination.

Some people with severe autism cannot even understand how language works as a communication tool, for instance. For higher-functioning people such as me, it may mean we struggle to understand facial expression or body language, to know how to start an appropriate conversation, or to realise someone is joking. I often need time to process what people say to me, which can be a big problem in the workplace. That is social communication.

We are confused by social rules that most people abide to without even thinking. Sometimes we can behave in ways that appear completely inappropriate - not because we want to upset people, but because we don't realise it's inappropriate. Social situations can feel overwhelming - which is why I avoid big gatherings even though I love my friends dearly (just not all of them at the same time!). That is social interaction.

Other people's feelings or actions can be a mystery to us unless they are clearly explained. We can appear to lack empathy, but this is not because we don't care: it's because we lack the cognitive tools to interpret correctly the subtle cues to someone else's emotions. We can find it very hard to think of alternatives to behaviours or outcomes that are familiar to us, and we can fail to generalize something we learnt in a specific situation to a new situation. This means everytime something unfamiliar happens, we grow extremely anxious and have to go through the process of learning how to cope all over again. I can totally freeze up when I feel overwhelmed, or even break down in tears because I cannot think of what to do. That is social imagination.

In addition, we can suffer from sensory issues such as high sensitivity to sounds, light, smells or touch. These issues can be affected by our physical state - if I am tired, loud noises or strong smells can feel like such an attack on the senses that it hurts.

But most people can't see all of this. They see a grown woman who seems "normal" most of the time... Until they ask me to do something, but because their phrasing wasn't explicit enough, I get it completely wrong. Or something unexpected happens and I fail to take the "obvious" course of action and just stand there like a deer in the headlights. Or I break down in tears for no apparent reason. Or I say or do something very odd for a woman my age, like jump up and down when I see something I really like. Or I get really angry because someone hooted their car horn and the noise made me jump. I could go on and on.

We call it a hidden disability, because it's not plainly visible, and people who don't know us assume we're being odd, rude or obnoxious.

Now you know.

More info on the National Autistic Society's website.

First steps

Starting a blog isn't exactly easy.

It feels like the beginning of a story, yet it's dated today - 20 June 2014. My story starts way before that, but I don't feel like writing my life story: it would take too long to write, and above all, too long to read!

So why do I want to start a blog? Two reasons.

I love to write. And I love the internet.

Actually, I have been writing on the internet since 2003. I started posting opinions on a forum that shall remain nameless* (just trying to preserve an ounce of dignity here). I wrote fanfictions for various fandoms. I joined Facebook in 2007 and occasionally used the "notes" section as a blog, but it gets drowned in everything else; and in 2009 I joined an online community called the Experience Project (EP). I was most prolific on EP and it proved very therapeutic during my darkest moments (I battled depression for many years). However, due to various changes to the site, I, along with many others, felt disillusioned and left.

Therefore, I need a new place to share my experiences, voice my opinions, and have some fun. I need - ta-da! - a proper BLOG.

Who I am: I am a 30-something Belgian woman with Asperger's syndrome. I cope rather well for someone on the autistic spectrum, yet I often face challenges in areas of life most neurotypical (that is, non-autistic) people take for granted. I am a Christian, a mix of evangelical and progressive, which means that whatever I believe or however I choose to live out my faith, I am bound to find people who disagree with me. That's OK. If there is one thing I have learnt over the years on the internet, it's that it's OK to disagree.

I won't lie: like all writers, I want to be read. So if you would like to read more, stick around... and let me know.

*OK, if you really have to know, it was the tatu.us forum - for fans of the Russian pseudo-lesbian pop band t.A.T.u.