When I was a child, I divided people into 3 neat, simple categories: children like myself, grown-ups (people who were in charge) and old people (which, to my young mind, was anyone over the age of 60).
I vaguely knew that one day, I'd become a grown-up. One day I'd have a job and know exactly what I'd be doing. I'd be able to drive a car. I'd get married and have children. I'd have a house. I'd be doing what grown-ups do.
As the years passed, I started to realise a few things.
Firstly, one does not simply wake up one day - suddenly an adult. I haven't intrinsically changed - I'm still the same person I was as a 10-year-old. I still feel awkward and vulnerable. I still love books. I can still get so engrossed in something that I forget about everything else and fail to hear someone talking to me. I have learnt new things, and lived through many experiences, both good and bad, and acquired new skills and understanding. But I'm still the same deep down.
Second, one does not naturally know how to do what grown-ups do. The learning of some skills can be slow and difficult. See my post about driving! You don't always know what you're doing - at times you don't feel like you're in control of anything at all. At work, you can feel completely incompetent. And don't let me get started on relationships - grown-ups all seemed to be married like it's the easiest thing on earth, and in films or books, falling in love is one of the most natural things there are. Yeah, right. More often than not, the person you're pining after does not reciprocate, or you don't even know how to engage.
Thirdly, being a grown-up can be real tough. Your boss can be horrible to you. Your job can be exhausting. Relationships, romantic or not, require constant effort (mostly worth it, though!). Having a house means paying a mortgage, or at least rent. Bills and paperwork can swamp you.
To top it all, 2 years ago, my mother turned 60. Remember that childhood world-view were old people were people over 60? But my mother cannot possibly be old. That would cause the whole universe to collaspe on itself, surely.
I guess I should change my definition of old.
Recently I turned thirty-five & I'm pretty sure that I can't get away with describing myself as a girl anymore. This saddens me, because 'woman' is an ugly word.
ReplyDeleteI still think of myself as a girl. A very small girl who loves books, chocolate, and lego.
DeleteYou are both fine girls.
DeleteSince when is woman an ugly word? Girls can be fun. But at the end of the day, I would rather spend time with a woman.
DeleteAs you probably already realize, age is relative. Joey and I had an email conversation this morning where all the old timers I grew up with are gone...and, good or bad, I am now one of the old timers!
ReplyDeleteI have a soft spot in my heart for old timers ;)
DeleteYay for us!
DeleteI think this is why we don't want children to grow up too fast, but we also expect children not to be childish all the time. It's one of life's paradox. The thing that makes us an adult is the realization that there are lots of grey areas and we simplify things for children so that we don't have to talk about all of life's nuances with every conversation. Kit, I love both the woman that you are and the girl inside you. :)
ReplyDeleteThing is, grey areas can be hard to handle. Many people cling to simplistic worldviews because it's easier. But at the end of the day, I want to embrace all of life, even the scary bits...
DeleteAnd thank you. I love you too. :)