Saturday 7 February 2015

Why I will not watch 50 Shades of Grey

Mommy porn. Apprently, that's all the rage at the moment, with the 50 Shades of Grey film coming out on Valentine's Day. Female colleagues discuss it with giggles and a twinkle in their eye, and ask you - or me - if you'll go and watch it.

Well, I won't. I refuse to go and watch it.

You may think it's because I'm a Christian and as such, disapprove of BDSM. You could not be more wrong - I am of the opinion that whatever a couple decide to do in the intimacy of their bedroom is none of my business, including BDSM. In any case, as far as I am aware, nothing in the Bible forbids couples from being a little kinky with each other.

You may think that because I am an avid reader, I think the books were poorly written. This isn't the reason I disapprove of those books, either.

The reason I dislike fiction such as 50 Shades of Grey is simple: I think it glamourizes an abusive relationship. Now, before you start explaining to me that BDSM between consenting adults does not constitute abuse: I know that, thank you. As I said above, the BDSM is not what I take issue with.

Christian Grey is basically a controlling man who is emotionally abusing a young, inexperienced woman with low self-esteem. He wants to control every aspect of her life, including what she eats! He stalks her, he intimidates her and coerces her - not just sexually. Their relationship isn't about a sexual game where the submissive partner volontarily relinquishes control - it's about bullying.

Glamourizing such a relationship is dangerous. It sends the message that Mr Right has, indeed, the right to control you, intimidate you and belittle you. It grooms future victims of relationship abuse into thinking such abusive behaviour is acceptable, even desirable. It empowers abusers.

In fact, I am not suprised by the way 50 Shades depicts an ideal relationship. E. L. James admitted that she started writing this story as a Twilight Fanfiction.

So, hang on a minute. Male character presented as out of the female character's league, and she as a girl with low self-esteem? Check. Male character who stalks his love interest? Check. Bosses her around? Check. Emotionally manipulates her? Check. Isolates her from her loved ones? Check. Jealous and possessive? Check. Does not respect her desires and wishes but imposes his own? Check.

So all in all, at least you can say E.L. James respected the spirit of the works she inspired her novels from.

More seriously, though. I once was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I can assure you there is nothing romantic or glamourous about being controlled and manipulated. When your whole world revolves around someone who disapproves or belittles things you enjoy, lashes out at you out of the blue, wants to control the way you manage your money and berates you for not spending it the way they think you ought to... it's not romantic. It's not love.

And of course, they will apologize in tears after lashing out and hurting you. They will tell you they love you. And you want to believe them.

But at the end of the day, the relationship is toxic, and it will drain all emotional strength and health out of you as you slowly wither.

Fiction such as 50 Shades and Twilight set a very, very bad model for relationships... whatever you do, don't follow it.

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