Social media, baby pictures, and the loss of privacy

Apparently, an Australien mother was told off by her friends for drowning their newsfeed with her baby's photos.

On the one hand, I stand with the mother's right to post whatever she pleases on Facebook. That is the beauty of social media: the freedom to express ourselves (as long as we don't promote hate or illegal activities, but that's another topic). I am pretty sure some of my friends get bored with the constant stream of articles on social justice and/or theology I keep posting. They always have the option to turn off notifications from my profile if it really annoys them, after all.

On the other hand, personally, I wouldn't want to post my child's pictures on Facebook (if I had a child) for several reasons.

1. All pictures you post to Facebook no longer belong to you, but to Facebook. Whilst I don't mind too much about pictures of myself no longer being mine, I would object to pictures of my child becoming property of a big corporation.

2. Privacy, part one: no matter how high my privacy settings are, there is always a chance that someone I don't know will see pictures of my child. And that unknown person could be harmless... or not.

3. Privacy, part two: once posted online, anyone on my friends' list (or not on my friends' list, depending on privacy settings or dangers of hacking, etc) could potentially share my child's pictures. I don't like the idea of my child's pictures floating around somewhere in the dark world of the internet.

4. Privacy, part three: I have come to terms with the fact that anything I post online is no longer private as such, but public - out there for all the world to see and read. I accept that as part and parcel of the joy of staying in touch with friends overseas and sharing ideas with people all over the globe. If it concerns only me and my own image, fine. But I don't want to plaster my child's face all over Facebook before he or she is even old enough to understand this, let alone consent to it. Remember when you begged your Mum not to show your first girlfriend/boyfriend those embarrassing baby pictures in the family album? Imagine if those embarrassing photos had been there for all of Mum's 426 friends to see, share and comment. Awakward, much? Not sure my kids would appreciate having about as little privacy as a pop star when they grow up.

Everyone needs their secret garden; everyone should be able to choose what they keep to themselves and what they make public, including photos.

Ricky Gervais, Lee Strobel, faith, and Jesus of Nazareth

I just saw this in my Facebook feed. It's worth reading. I believe every point Strobel is making. My faith stands or fall on the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and I believe it's a reliable historical fact. Strobel's book The Case for Christ goes into more detail about it all and is well worth reading too.

But I would equally argue that Ricky Gervais' posts about his atheism (here and here) are well worth a read as well. I commend his honesty, and I feel sad for him that he lost faith in the Jesus he loved as a child:

"I loved Jesus. He was my hero. More than pop stars. More than footballers. More than God. God was by definition omnipotent and perfect. Jesus was a man. He had to work at it. He had temptation but defeated sin. He had integrity and courage. But He was my hero because He was kind. And He was kind to everyone. He didn’t bow to peer pressure or tyranny or cruelty. He didn’t care who you were. He loved you. What a guy. I wanted to be just like Him."

This is the Jesus I love and build my life upon.

Gervais also makes very good points when he blames some Christians for seeing faith as a get-out-of-jail free card. He is absolutely right to criticize that, and Strobel doesn't even address it in his reply. 

Jesus didn't come to give us a get-out-of-jail-free card. He came to redeem us from selfishness and sin, and transform us into new people - people who can partner up with him to transform the world. Too many Christians wallow in self-loathing, crying over what terrible sinners they are. I don't think Jesus is interested in that. I think he washed the past away so we could roll up our sleeves and act. Be agents of change, peacemakers, merciful people, not in order to earn God's love, but as a response to it.

And that is what Ricky Gervais doesn't get. He ticks the Ten Commandments, he says. I won't go into how whenever we love something or someone more than God, we effectively break commandments one and two - read any Evangelical book on the topic and they'll be quick to - rightly - point that out. Ricky is also right that using God's name to support hatred or gloat over one's enemies is what using God's name in vain is really about - I agree with his assessment 200%.

But what Ricky doesn't get is that Christianity isn't about ticking boxes and obeying rules. It's about responding to God's love, displayed throughout Jesus' life and death. Love so great that he gave his life for us. In the face of such love and grace, I am filled with awe, gratitude, and love. So of course I want to please God and do good - but not in order to win his love or approval. Instead, I want to do this because I know he loves me, and I want to love him back. Right living comes from gratitude and love, not from fear.

Outrageous

You may, or may not, be aware of a tragedy that ripped Belgium apart in 1996 - the Dutroux case.

Marc Dutroux abducted, raped and killed several girls ranging in age from 8 to 19. His wife, Michelle Martin, was aware of her husband's actions, and when he was held in custody for car theft for 3 months, her failure to feed two kidnapped girls, Julie and Melissa, led to their death. He was sentenced to like emprisonment without parole, and his wife was sentenced to 30 years for taking part in the abductions and causing the death of Julie and Melissa. My country was shaken with grief at these horrors.

In 2012, Michelle Martin was released, much to the victims' families' grief and outrage. At first, she stayed at a convent, until the nuns had to move out and decided against taking Michelle with them.

In the last few days, news came out that former judge Christian Panier was going to rent out part of his house to Michelle Martin. He argued that "reinsertion is what makes the difference between revenge justice and civilised justice", and that "there is always a glimmer of humanity deep in the heart of someone who has done something evil".

Julie's father denounced Christian Panier's decision to help the woman who caused the death of his daughter, and most members of the public share in his indignation. Indeed, her involvement in the abductions and deaths is seen as unredeemable by many. Moreover, many freed prisoners who were guilty of far lesser crimes are not given such help with their reinsertion into society, not to speak about those who, through no fault of their own, struggle to find or keep a roof over their heads. The very idea that Michelle Martin should enjoy such comfort is absolutely outrageous. Isn't she completely undeserving of such help, given that she hasn't even issued a public apology of any kind?

Absolutely outrageous.

Yet, this is exactly what the Christian gospel claims God has done for us. It claims that none of us are "good", that we have all rejected God in our hearts to have our own way instead. That, we believe, is the root of all evil in the world: our decision to do as we please, rather than to do what is good. Yet, God provided a way for us to be forgiven, by offering Jesus as a substitute, to die the death we deserve, so we can be reconciled to God. This is grace: to be given what we do not deserve. This is the message of Easter. And because we have been forgiven, we want to change - not to deserve God's love, but in response to it.

I believe that what Christian Panier is doing for Michelle Martin is an act of grace. Does she deserve it? No, absolutely not. Just as the gospel claims we did not deserve God's love. But maybe, once given that grace, it may spur her to a real change of heart. Grace is given freely, but its purpose is always transformation. Michelle Martin may or may not change, but the possibility is offered to her. She is free to take it, just like we are free to take the opportunity God give us to live a new life of grace and transformation.

Outrageous? Absolutely. Yet this is the God I believe in: a God of outrageous grace.

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There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. Romans 3:22-25

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Romans 5:6-10

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation. Colossians 1:21-22

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  1 John:9-10

Be careful what you pray for... God may answer yes!

As you know, I am deeply dissatisfied with my job, and one of my goals, this year, is to look into alternatives.

Last year, I registered as a freelance translator (I studied languages and translation originally), thinking I could do this on the side and build a client base. However, over the course of a whole year, I only had one translation request. I felt rather disheartened and stuck in a rut.

 A few days ago, I decided to ask for prayer in a Facebook Christian group I'm a part of. 

The very next day, I phoned an organisation in my area that offers private language classes to individuals and small groups. I wanted to offer my services as a language tacher, as I have doing it privately for a few friends. The director told me he had no opening for the moment. However, he is currently expanding his client base, and if all goes according to plan, in a couple of months' time he will need a new teacher of English to work with him. He sounded impressed with my level of English. He asked me to send my CV, referring to our phone conversation. This was already very positive.
 
Then later the same day, I received an email from the publishing director of a Christian publishing company. He got my details through a friend of mine and asked if I could make them an offer to translate a Christian book on ethics from English into French. He sent me a pdf copy. The book gives a brief overview of ethics and morals in the Western world throughout history, the influence of the Bible, Greek thought, the Enlightenment, and Christian theologians. It's very interesting and I enjoyed reading it. I emailed him back saying I'd be glad to translate it.

Today, I privately messaged a member of my Facebook group, asking her to keep praying. Within minutes of that message exchange, the publishing director called me! He said if the publising company's manager gives the OK, they'll send me a paper copy of the book.

I'm actually rather anxious, because I have only ever done one professional translation. It was very short (2 pages). Apart from this, I have translated various texts as a free service for friends. I have no real idea about the practical/professional side of things, and my training was such an awful long time ago!

My main cause for worry is that the author quotes (sometimes extensively) from other works on philosophy, religion and ethics (Thomas Aquinas, Kant, John Paul II, to name but three, as well as more recent and/or lesser known ones), so I'll have to find out whether those works have been translated in French so I can use the official translation. That will involve painstaking research, and I live in the middle of nowhere. I may need to plan a few trips to the nearest university!

The other worry, of course, is time. I already work 38 hours a week (and those are only my official hours, in reality I do 2 to 4 hours more every week), and as I mentioned, I do private English tuition as well. I'll have to be organised and disciplined. 

Right now I feel overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions. Gratitude and amazement at how God answered the prayers of my online community, excitment, joy, of course. But anxiety and nervousness as well because of the issues I mentioned above, and because I still have that nagging little voice of low self-esteem telling me I may not be able to do it. God answering prayers - that can be scary, sometimes.

All I can do is move forward one step at a time - walking in trust. If you're a praying person, would you please pray for me? 

Logo designed by my graphic designer friend Bélinda. 

Happy-flappy

You may have heard about stimming - short for self-stimulation. Stimming is any repetitive movements or sounds that people on the autistic spectrum use to regulate their emotions. We do this when we feel overwhelmed by stimuli, in order to calm ourselves down, but also as an outlet for excitement (which can be positive or negative excitement). Some of us flap our hands or wriggle our fingers, clap, rock our heads or bodies, spin objects, hum, sing, even jump. Most books about autism will tell you about those behaviours.

But what does stimming feel like for an autistic person?

When I'm nervous, I feel like ants running up and down my arms, and they make my fingers wriggle. I also bite my cheeks or lips. It's an outlet for the build-up of anxiety.

When I'm happy, the feelings are bubbling up inside my bones and veins and I need to let it out. I need to dance, clap, jump on the spot, run, or flap my hands.

I am able to contain such outbursts of emotion in public (most of the time anyway) because I know people look at you funny when you suddenly start clapping your hands or dancing. I have been known to start running in the street for no apparent reason. The hidden reason is that I'm happy or excited. I have confused many a bus driver who assumed I was running for the bus stop... when I was in fact running for joy.

When I'm home, however, there is no reason not to. So, I can listen to a favourite song, look at a funny meme, or watch an awesome episode of my favourite TV series... and I can clap or flap my hands or dance, to my heart's content. And I'm lucky enough that my partner doesn't mind (as long as I don't break anything!).

Welcome to my world. I am autistic and proud. 

Why I will not watch 50 Shades of Grey

Mommy porn. Apprently, that's all the rage at the moment, with the 50 Shades of Grey film coming out on Valentine's Day. Female colleagues discuss it with giggles and a twinkle in their eye, and ask you - or me - if you'll go and watch it.

Well, I won't. I refuse to go and watch it.

You may think it's because I'm a Christian and as such, disapprove of BDSM. You could not be more wrong - I am of the opinion that whatever a couple decide to do in the intimacy of their bedroom is none of my business, including BDSM. In any case, as far as I am aware, nothing in the Bible forbids couples from being a little kinky with each other.

You may think that because I am an avid reader, I think the books were poorly written. This isn't the reason I disapprove of those books, either.

The reason I dislike fiction such as 50 Shades of Grey is simple: I think it glamourizes an abusive relationship. Now, before you start explaining to me that BDSM between consenting adults does not constitute abuse: I know that, thank you. As I said above, the BDSM is not what I take issue with.

Christian Grey is basically a controlling man who is emotionally abusing a young, inexperienced woman with low self-esteem. He wants to control every aspect of her life, including what she eats! He stalks her, he intimidates her and coerces her - not just sexually. Their relationship isn't about a sexual game where the submissive partner volontarily relinquishes control - it's about bullying.

Glamourizing such a relationship is dangerous. It sends the message that Mr Right has, indeed, the right to control you, intimidate you and belittle you. It grooms future victims of relationship abuse into thinking such abusive behaviour is acceptable, even desirable. It empowers abusers.

In fact, I am not suprised by the way 50 Shades depicts an ideal relationship. E. L. James admitted that she started writing this story as a Twilight Fanfiction.

So, hang on a minute. Male character presented as out of the female character's league, and she as a girl with low self-esteem? Check. Male character who stalks his love interest? Check. Bosses her around? Check. Emotionally manipulates her? Check. Isolates her from her loved ones? Check. Jealous and possessive? Check. Does not respect her desires and wishes but imposes his own? Check.

So all in all, at least you can say E.L. James respected the spirit of the works she inspired her novels from.

More seriously, though. I once was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I can assure you there is nothing romantic or glamourous about being controlled and manipulated. When your whole world revolves around someone who disapproves or belittles things you enjoy, lashes out at you out of the blue, wants to control the way you manage your money and berates you for not spending it the way they think you ought to... it's not romantic. It's not love.

And of course, they will apologize in tears after lashing out and hurting you. They will tell you they love you. And you want to believe them.

But at the end of the day, the relationship is toxic, and it will drain all emotional strength and health out of you as you slowly wither.

Fiction such as 50 Shades and Twilight set a very, very bad model for relationships... whatever you do, don't follow it.

Slices of happiness

As some of you may know, I struggled with depression for a long time. A friend asked me recently how I got over it. It's a complex question, but part of the answer, I think, lies in how we view happiness. 

For the longest time, happiness was always in the future; only attainable when this or that would happen.

I will be happy... when I find a better job.

I will be happy... when I lose weight.

I will be happy... when I meet the right man.

I was expecting to be happy once my life was perfect. Only then would I feel at peace. 

Of course, such an expectation is utterly unrealistic, and bound to cause a lot of harm. Life is never perfect; we can never be completely satisfied. Moreover, when you scratch a little deeper, you realise it's extremely selfish, too: I will be happy once I've got everything I want - when everything finally goes my way.

When I took my first steps out of depression, I began to find happiness in small, ordinary joys such as these:

- Being silly with my mum.
- Hugs and cuddles.
- Having a good laugh with friends.
- Cooking a meal for someone.
- Feeling dark chocolate melt in my mouth and the powerful flavour hitting my tastebuds.
- Enjoying a long warm bath.
- Curling up with a good book.
- Helping someone.
- Singing along to a song that is meaningful to me.
- Going for a bike ride or a walk in the countryside on a sunny day.
- Finding the perfect present for a loved one and anticipating how happy they'll be when they open it.
- Snuggling in bed.
- Eating a favourite food.
- Looking out the window and see the sunshine.
- Looking out the window and see lots of snow.
- Building a snowman.
- The crunchy sound of a dry leaf when you step on it.
- Spotting a rainbow.
- Running into someone I haven't seen in a long time.
- Receiving a parcel in the post.
- Decorating the Christmas tree.
- Getting a hug from my brother (who rarely gives hugs).
- Being caught in a heavy rain in the summer and feel the water run down my face.
- Drinking a hot mocha.
- Being swept away by the excitement of a concert.
- Cuddling my cat and hearing him purr.
- Lying down in the grass on a hot summer day and feel the earth underneath me, looking up at the starry sky.
- Finding out my birthday is the same day as one of my favourite artists.
- Getting a text message, a card or an email from a loved friend.
- Getting a letter from my sponsored child.

Such small slices of happiness warm the heart.