Be careful what you pray for... God may answer yes!

As you know, I am deeply dissatisfied with my job, and one of my goals, this year, is to look into alternatives.

Last year, I registered as a freelance translator (I studied languages and translation originally), thinking I could do this on the side and build a client base. However, over the course of a whole year, I only had one translation request. I felt rather disheartened and stuck in a rut.

 A few days ago, I decided to ask for prayer in a Facebook Christian group I'm a part of. 

The very next day, I phoned an organisation in my area that offers private language classes to individuals and small groups. I wanted to offer my services as a language tacher, as I have doing it privately for a few friends. The director told me he had no opening for the moment. However, he is currently expanding his client base, and if all goes according to plan, in a couple of months' time he will need a new teacher of English to work with him. He sounded impressed with my level of English. He asked me to send my CV, referring to our phone conversation. This was already very positive.
 
Then later the same day, I received an email from the publishing director of a Christian publishing company. He got my details through a friend of mine and asked if I could make them an offer to translate a Christian book on ethics from English into French. He sent me a pdf copy. The book gives a brief overview of ethics and morals in the Western world throughout history, the influence of the Bible, Greek thought, the Enlightenment, and Christian theologians. It's very interesting and I enjoyed reading it. I emailed him back saying I'd be glad to translate it.

Today, I privately messaged a member of my Facebook group, asking her to keep praying. Within minutes of that message exchange, the publishing director called me! He said if the publising company's manager gives the OK, they'll send me a paper copy of the book.

I'm actually rather anxious, because I have only ever done one professional translation. It was very short (2 pages). Apart from this, I have translated various texts as a free service for friends. I have no real idea about the practical/professional side of things, and my training was such an awful long time ago!

My main cause for worry is that the author quotes (sometimes extensively) from other works on philosophy, religion and ethics (Thomas Aquinas, Kant, John Paul II, to name but three, as well as more recent and/or lesser known ones), so I'll have to find out whether those works have been translated in French so I can use the official translation. That will involve painstaking research, and I live in the middle of nowhere. I may need to plan a few trips to the nearest university!

The other worry, of course, is time. I already work 38 hours a week (and those are only my official hours, in reality I do 2 to 4 hours more every week), and as I mentioned, I do private English tuition as well. I'll have to be organised and disciplined. 

Right now I feel overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions. Gratitude and amazement at how God answered the prayers of my online community, excitment, joy, of course. But anxiety and nervousness as well because of the issues I mentioned above, and because I still have that nagging little voice of low self-esteem telling me I may not be able to do it. God answering prayers - that can be scary, sometimes.

All I can do is move forward one step at a time - walking in trust. If you're a praying person, would you please pray for me? 

Logo designed by my graphic designer friend Bélinda. 

Happy-flappy

You may have heard about stimming - short for self-stimulation. Stimming is any repetitive movements or sounds that people on the autistic spectrum use to regulate their emotions. We do this when we feel overwhelmed by stimuli, in order to calm ourselves down, but also as an outlet for excitement (which can be positive or negative excitement). Some of us flap our hands or wriggle our fingers, clap, rock our heads or bodies, spin objects, hum, sing, even jump. Most books about autism will tell you about those behaviours.

But what does stimming feel like for an autistic person?

When I'm nervous, I feel like ants running up and down my arms, and they make my fingers wriggle. I also bite my cheeks or lips. It's an outlet for the build-up of anxiety.

When I'm happy, the feelings are bubbling up inside my bones and veins and I need to let it out. I need to dance, clap, jump on the spot, run, or flap my hands.

I am able to contain such outbursts of emotion in public (most of the time anyway) because I know people look at you funny when you suddenly start clapping your hands or dancing. I have been known to start running in the street for no apparent reason. The hidden reason is that I'm happy or excited. I have confused many a bus driver who assumed I was running for the bus stop... when I was in fact running for joy.

When I'm home, however, there is no reason not to. So, I can listen to a favourite song, look at a funny meme, or watch an awesome episode of my favourite TV series... and I can clap or flap my hands or dance, to my heart's content. And I'm lucky enough that my partner doesn't mind (as long as I don't break anything!).

Welcome to my world. I am autistic and proud. 

Why I will not watch 50 Shades of Grey

Mommy porn. Apprently, that's all the rage at the moment, with the 50 Shades of Grey film coming out on Valentine's Day. Female colleagues discuss it with giggles and a twinkle in their eye, and ask you - or me - if you'll go and watch it.

Well, I won't. I refuse to go and watch it.

You may think it's because I'm a Christian and as such, disapprove of BDSM. You could not be more wrong - I am of the opinion that whatever a couple decide to do in the intimacy of their bedroom is none of my business, including BDSM. In any case, as far as I am aware, nothing in the Bible forbids couples from being a little kinky with each other.

You may think that because I am an avid reader, I think the books were poorly written. This isn't the reason I disapprove of those books, either.

The reason I dislike fiction such as 50 Shades of Grey is simple: I think it glamourizes an abusive relationship. Now, before you start explaining to me that BDSM between consenting adults does not constitute abuse: I know that, thank you. As I said above, the BDSM is not what I take issue with.

Christian Grey is basically a controlling man who is emotionally abusing a young, inexperienced woman with low self-esteem. He wants to control every aspect of her life, including what she eats! He stalks her, he intimidates her and coerces her - not just sexually. Their relationship isn't about a sexual game where the submissive partner volontarily relinquishes control - it's about bullying.

Glamourizing such a relationship is dangerous. It sends the message that Mr Right has, indeed, the right to control you, intimidate you and belittle you. It grooms future victims of relationship abuse into thinking such abusive behaviour is acceptable, even desirable. It empowers abusers.

In fact, I am not suprised by the way 50 Shades depicts an ideal relationship. E. L. James admitted that she started writing this story as a Twilight Fanfiction.

So, hang on a minute. Male character presented as out of the female character's league, and she as a girl with low self-esteem? Check. Male character who stalks his love interest? Check. Bosses her around? Check. Emotionally manipulates her? Check. Isolates her from her loved ones? Check. Jealous and possessive? Check. Does not respect her desires and wishes but imposes his own? Check.

So all in all, at least you can say E.L. James respected the spirit of the works she inspired her novels from.

More seriously, though. I once was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I can assure you there is nothing romantic or glamourous about being controlled and manipulated. When your whole world revolves around someone who disapproves or belittles things you enjoy, lashes out at you out of the blue, wants to control the way you manage your money and berates you for not spending it the way they think you ought to... it's not romantic. It's not love.

And of course, they will apologize in tears after lashing out and hurting you. They will tell you they love you. And you want to believe them.

But at the end of the day, the relationship is toxic, and it will drain all emotional strength and health out of you as you slowly wither.

Fiction such as 50 Shades and Twilight set a very, very bad model for relationships... whatever you do, don't follow it.

Slices of happiness

As some of you may know, I struggled with depression for a long time. A friend asked me recently how I got over it. It's a complex question, but part of the answer, I think, lies in how we view happiness. 

For the longest time, happiness was always in the future; only attainable when this or that would happen.

I will be happy... when I find a better job.

I will be happy... when I lose weight.

I will be happy... when I meet the right man.

I was expecting to be happy once my life was perfect. Only then would I feel at peace. 

Of course, such an expectation is utterly unrealistic, and bound to cause a lot of harm. Life is never perfect; we can never be completely satisfied. Moreover, when you scratch a little deeper, you realise it's extremely selfish, too: I will be happy once I've got everything I want - when everything finally goes my way.

When I took my first steps out of depression, I began to find happiness in small, ordinary joys such as these:

- Being silly with my mum.
- Hugs and cuddles.
- Having a good laugh with friends.
- Cooking a meal for someone.
- Feeling dark chocolate melt in my mouth and the powerful flavour hitting my tastebuds.
- Enjoying a long warm bath.
- Curling up with a good book.
- Helping someone.
- Singing along to a song that is meaningful to me.
- Going for a bike ride or a walk in the countryside on a sunny day.
- Finding the perfect present for a loved one and anticipating how happy they'll be when they open it.
- Snuggling in bed.
- Eating a favourite food.
- Looking out the window and see the sunshine.
- Looking out the window and see lots of snow.
- Building a snowman.
- The crunchy sound of a dry leaf when you step on it.
- Spotting a rainbow.
- Running into someone I haven't seen in a long time.
- Receiving a parcel in the post.
- Decorating the Christmas tree.
- Getting a hug from my brother (who rarely gives hugs).
- Being caught in a heavy rain in the summer and feel the water run down my face.
- Drinking a hot mocha.
- Being swept away by the excitement of a concert.
- Cuddling my cat and hearing him purr.
- Lying down in the grass on a hot summer day and feel the earth underneath me, looking up at the starry sky.
- Finding out my birthday is the same day as one of my favourite artists.
- Getting a text message, a card or an email from a loved friend.
- Getting a letter from my sponsored child.

Such small slices of happiness warm the heart.

One last word about Charlie

My mother said something to me today that challenged me. After the attack, I put up a "I am Charlie" sign on the back of my car.

She said: If a Muslim sees your "I am Charlie" sign, they may understand it as "I support those who offend Muslims by mocking their prophet".

I had that sign up as a way of saying murdering people over a cartoon (over anything, really) is unacceptable. I did not mean it as a way to provoke anger. Muslims on the whole may decry the acts of terrorists, yet I can perfectly understand that they are feeling offended, indeed provoked. The latest Charlie Hebdo cover looked peaceful to me - Muhammad saying, "all is forgiven" while holding a "I am Charlie" sign seems like extending an olive branch, does it not?

Not if you are a Muslims and you believe it is insulting to draw a caricature of your prophet, a most beloved and revered figure. In that case, it feels like adding fuel to the fire. It does not mean you will take up arms against France, but it will not incite your goodwill.

Moreover, Charb, Charlie Hebdo's murdered editor, reportedly said he wanted "all religions to be kicked out of France"(1). That is not a peaceful or accepting discourse either. It denies other people's freedom of religion, which is ironic from someone who has become an icon of civil liberties. Being brutally murdered by terrorists does not make anyone a saint, even if it is tragic and horrifying.
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So I took down my "I am Charlie" sign.

I wish I could have sign up that says, "I am on the side of anyone who is oppressed in any way, be it because of their opinions, their religion, their nationality, their gender, their sexual orientation or their ethnicity. I am on the side of peace and I am against all forms of violence".

But that would be a bit long for a bumper sticker.

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(1) I read it yesterday in a Belgian magazine, and this article in Belgian newspaper Le Soir alludes to the statement too: http://www.lesoir.be/754485/article/actualite/belgique/2015-01-10/caricaturistes-kroll-vadot-bertrand-ce-qui-s-est-passe-reveille-consciences

Shards of glass

This was on the news yesterday. It seems that some areas of my country (the poorest areas of Brussels, usually - what a surprise...) are a cesspool of Islamic terrosist wannabes...

I couldn't help but weep. It grieves me that people can feel so much rage and hatred that they want to maim and kill. The world seems so full of violence, it's almost unbearable.

How can people be so convinced that some deity wants them to murder their enemies?

The Charlie Hebdo shooters were abandoned as children; the youngest went to prison twice. I don't mean to excuse them in any way, but I don't think people who are at peace with God, themselves and the world become terrorists. Western cities are rife with second or third generation immigrants from the Middle East or further, people who feel torn between two identities and cultures. People who can experience a sense of rejection because of their origins, all the more after terrorist acts. It's only too easy for them to be manipulated into becoming monsters, under the promise of paradise as a reward. Besides, violence and cruelty are one of the facets of human nature, and just like qualities, such dark dispositions can be nurtured to grow and take over someone's heart.

 I wish we could talk some peace and love into them, yet it seems we can't. I believe in "loving your enemies", but if your enemy threatens to destroy again and again and again, and if countless lives are at stake, what do you do? I read a commentator who said that the only thing we can do to stop terrorist attacks is to kill as many terrorists as we can, kill them in the Middle East where they train. Is that really the only answer? Each terrorist is someone's son, someone's brother, someone's friend. Think about that. Those left behind, if they cannot let go and forgive (and how hard is that: forgiving your enemy for killing those you love?), will want to avenge them, and destroy and kill. It never ends.

The cycle of violence grieves me and hurts me.

In The Green Mile, John Coffey, the black prisoner sentenced to death who has the power to heal others, says, "I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time." 

These words resonate with me. Indeed, hatred and hurt and pain feel like shards of glass in my heart.

Sometimes, though, wee see tings that give us hope; like the "I'll walk with you" hashtag, or parents of murdered Israeli and Palestinians comforting one another despite being supposedly from opposite camps. I cling to news like this because I need to believe in hope. I believe in a God who gave his life for humanity's redemption. This, to me, is the cornerstone of hope in a better world. And I believe we are to take part in the healing of the world, each in our own way, no matter how small. I believe that somehow, all hurt will be healed and all tears wiped away. But how about those who refuse reconciliation and forgiveness? Are some people beyond healing, unredeemable? This is what makes me weep.

We need to talk about Charlie

A few days have passed, but I cannot stop thinking about what happened at the office of French magazine Charlie Hebdo. 

I wrote about it in the heat of the moment, yet I feel I need to say more. We all need to think about it, and to discuss the various issues it raises.

We all need to talk about Charlie.

We take freedom of speech for granted. It has been enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights:

"Article 18: Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance. 

Article 19: Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers." (Emphasis mine). 

Charlie Hebdo journalists and cartoonists oppose racism, the military, religions, and usually the government. They express these opinions in a satyrical way that most people have, at some point or another, found offensive. They profess a desire to make fun of everything and everyone, and to have a good laugh. Yet, they stir up debate and reflexion about issues they feel are important, which makes their contribution helpful. And above all, their right to do so is stated in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

On the other hand, caricatures of that kind often seem designed to provoke outrage and anger. They can serve a purpose to a certain extend, as I said above; but it's not always the case. It does, at times, feel like outright, wilful disrespect. I think we should all exercise our freedom of expression with wisdom. If what we express only serves to cause hurt or anger, maybe we should think twice. Maybe, just maybe we should exercise kindness as well as freedom. In French we have a saying: "My freedom stops where yours begins". It implies that if exercising my freedom is done at the expense of someone else, then I mustn't.

Those who disapprove of Charlie Hebdo's tone or ideas have a right to express their dislike. I'm a Christian; I have found some of their cartoons deeply offensive, while aknowledging their right to publish them. My own beliefs, as well as the beliefs of Muslims worldwide, are similarly protected by the Human Rights Declaration. We have a right to feel offended or hurt.

However, does that justify a violent response in any way?

No! A thousand times no!

I have found a paraphrase of my French saying on the web. "The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins." Its origin isn't entirely clear, but that's beside the point. To me, violence is never the right response. Man has tried to solve problems with violence since the dawn of times, and it has never worked - it only creates a vicious circle of hurt and destruction.

Moreover, what happened on 7 January only feeds the arguments of racists and islamophobes. I fear the impact this tragedy will have on the Muslim community: more alienation, distrust, and discrimination, leading to hurt and anger - a fertile soil for more terrorist wannabes, hijacked by clever hate preachers. Violence breeds violence. 

I hope the voices of peaceful Muslims will drown out the voices of islamic terrorists. I hope the voice of open-minded, friendly people will drown out the voices of racists.

To satirical cartoonists in the vein of Charlie Hebdo, I say: "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

To Muslims everywhere, I say: "I'll walk with you".

When the dumb and unhelpful trailer "The Innocence of Muslims" came out, Belgian cartoonist Kroll responded to outraged Muslims with this: "But... if I don't like a movie, I just don't go see it, that's all"