Light at the end of the tunnel - a work update

I have been working in a local supermarket for 2 years and 7 months. A total of 31 long months in an environment that is draining at best, sometimes soul-destroying. 

Only today, I was given a reminder of why I find it so difficult. I saw a woman walk up to me and thought she probably needed information, so I greeted her with a smile, "Good morning!"

She replied curtly, "Here, check the price of that item for me. It seems darn expensive to me."

How about hello, please, thank you?

We aspies are said to struggle with social conventions. Yet, I have been taught that basic manners are important, and I make sure I use them - only to see so-called "normal" people discard them and talk to me like I'm beneath them. In those 31 long months I have been patronised, talked to rudely and even insulted. All the while keeping my smile (even if I was boiling with anger inside sometimes). And I'm the anti-social one?

Fortunately, as you'll probably remember, some new work opportunities have presented themselves to me. This has given me the confidence to hand in my notice. The 6th of June will be my last day! I'm counting the days.

However, it will be a step into the unknown. I am still working on the translation I started back in February - 86 pages done out of 107, and still a lot of research to do to sort out the quotations. I recently had an email exchange with the publisher and gave him an update of my progress. He gave no sign of impatience (phew!).

The language school, however, have failed to get back in touch with me. Not only that, but I can't get through to them - I have called (no one answers) and sent emails and gotten no reply. This worries me a fair bit.

I know what you'll say - look for something else. But all my free time (pretty much) is taken up by translation.

We shall see. At least, as of the 6th of June, I will have a lot more time - to finish the translation and to search for another job.

On the 6th of June, I will be free.

Best customer questions

As you probably know, I work in a supermarket. While the constant stream of interfering noises is one of the most difficult things to cope with as an aspie, interacting with people can be quite frustrating, too - people acting too familiar, being unclear in their requests, or just plain rude. Today I'm going to share some of the questions customers have asked me...

- "Excuse me, do you work here?" No, I stole a uniform because I thought it was so elegant.

- (Seeing me kneeling to restock the lower shelves) "Saying your prayers, are you?"

- "I don't understand how the buy one, get one free offer works." Well, if you manage to do a handstand while holding both items on one foot, the second one is free. 

- "So you have a boyfriend? How much is he paying you?" Excuse me, did you just call me a prostitute?

- (Customer staring at the yoghurt and dessert aisle) "Where is the mozarella?!"
"Just over there, sir, in the cheese aisle."

- (Same customer who asked how much my boyfriend paid me) "So, this boyfriend of yours, is he on the dole or on income support?" ...

- (Customer showing me a box of painted Easter eggs): "Are those Easter eggs?" Nope, can't you see they're lemons?

- (Customer staring at the margarine section and letting out a huge, baffled sigh) "Which one do you use for cooking?"
"None of those, madam. I use olive oil."

-"Still working, are you?" No, I was bored so I thought I'd restock shelves just for the fun of it.

- Me (turning to customer who just pulled at my trousers waistband): "Excuse me!"
Customer: "Don't you like it?" Geez, yeah. I love getting old creeps tugging at my clothes. WTF?

- (Customer seeing me clean the glass doors) "Will you come and clean mine afterwards?"
"Sure, how much will you pay my cleaning services?"

- "Do you sell painted Easter eggs?"
"Well, around Easter we do, but it's November at the moment..."

- "If there is no price on this item, does it mean it's free?" Oh, sure. Ask the manager.

- (Fifty-something customer accompanied by his mother) "Why don't you go to the village ball? Men would only have eyes for you!" Good grief...

- "I'm pretty sure you can't help me at all, but I have been looking everywhere and I just can't find that, I need it to cook dinner and I really don't know if you sell any..." Well, if you started by telling me what it is you are looking for, I'm pretty sure I could help you all right. As it is...

My annoying habit

I have been following Beckie0 on Youtube and Facebook for while. For those who don't know her, she is a young British woman suffering from a condition called thrichotillomania - it means she compulsively pulls her hair and struggles to stop herself from doing it, much in the same way people who bite their nails can't stop themselves. She documents her life with "trich", how she copes (or doesn't at times), and her evolution from a teenager into adulthood, as she started her vlog at a rather young age. I really appreciate her.

Her story is interesting because it touches on a difficult question: why are there certain behaviours that we seem unable to stop, even though it's not good for us, even though we wish we could stop? Addictions of all kinds come to mind, of course, but the type of compulsive behaviour that intrigues me here is the kind that cause mild self-harm.  Apparently, it even has a name: Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior. 

I am intrigued by it because there is something I have been doing for years and have found myself unable to stop, even though I really, really wish I could.

I bite the inside of my cheeks.

I cannot remember when I started doing this. I do remember, however, that as a child I used to bite, gnaw and chew things like the end of pens and pencils, rubbers, paper, and even leaves and tree bark. Because of my Asperger's, I think this may be linked to sensory issues in some ways - some autistic children I looked after would chew things as a way of getting acquainted with them, much like babies do. But I think it may also be linked to anxiety, and the cheek-biting certainly is. 

I may not remember starting biting the inside of my cheeks, but I know when I am most likely to be doing it: whenever I am anxious, concentrating on something (including a book or film I am engrossed in) or deep in thoughts. I am not always aware I am doing it, and when I do realise it, I keep doing it even though I think to myself: "I gotta stop this. Stop. Come on".

Most of the time it's rather mild. It feels like I am just pulling off tiny bits of skin inside my mouth. It feels rather cathartic, but the more I bite it off, the more little bits come loose that I want to bite off as well. At time when it was really bad, I occasionally made myself bleed, but fortunately, it doesn't happen very often.

People who spend time with me become aware of it quite quickly. Some tell me off, but being told to "Just stop already" doesn't help - if anything, it causes more anxiety, which in turn causes more biting. I feel self-conscious as well, because it makes me pull funny faces and it's not very attractive.

To this day, I still don't know how I can make myself stop. I really wish there was some kind of trick to get rid of that annoying habit. I know I'm not the only one, because I have read a few things online about it, but no real solution.

Social media, baby pictures, and the loss of privacy

Apparently, an Australien mother was told off by her friends for drowning their newsfeed with her baby's photos.

On the one hand, I stand with the mother's right to post whatever she pleases on Facebook. That is the beauty of social media: the freedom to express ourselves (as long as we don't promote hate or illegal activities, but that's another topic). I am pretty sure some of my friends get bored with the constant stream of articles on social justice and/or theology I keep posting. They always have the option to turn off notifications from my profile if it really annoys them, after all.

On the other hand, personally, I wouldn't want to post my child's pictures on Facebook (if I had a child) for several reasons.

1. All pictures you post to Facebook no longer belong to you, but to Facebook. Whilst I don't mind too much about pictures of myself no longer being mine, I would object to pictures of my child becoming property of a big corporation.

2. Privacy, part one: no matter how high my privacy settings are, there is always a chance that someone I don't know will see pictures of my child. And that unknown person could be harmless... or not.

3. Privacy, part two: once posted online, anyone on my friends' list (or not on my friends' list, depending on privacy settings or dangers of hacking, etc) could potentially share my child's pictures. I don't like the idea of my child's pictures floating around somewhere in the dark world of the internet.

4. Privacy, part three: I have come to terms with the fact that anything I post online is no longer private as such, but public - out there for all the world to see and read. I accept that as part and parcel of the joy of staying in touch with friends overseas and sharing ideas with people all over the globe. If it concerns only me and my own image, fine. But I don't want to plaster my child's face all over Facebook before he or she is even old enough to understand this, let alone consent to it. Remember when you begged your Mum not to show your first girlfriend/boyfriend those embarrassing baby pictures in the family album? Imagine if those embarrassing photos had been there for all of Mum's 426 friends to see, share and comment. Awakward, much? Not sure my kids would appreciate having about as little privacy as a pop star when they grow up.

Everyone needs their secret garden; everyone should be able to choose what they keep to themselves and what they make public, including photos.

Ricky Gervais, Lee Strobel, faith, and Jesus of Nazareth

I just saw this in my Facebook feed. It's worth reading. I believe every point Strobel is making. My faith stands or fall on the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and I believe it's a reliable historical fact. Strobel's book The Case for Christ goes into more detail about it all and is well worth reading too.

But I would equally argue that Ricky Gervais' posts about his atheism (here and here) are well worth a read as well. I commend his honesty, and I feel sad for him that he lost faith in the Jesus he loved as a child:

"I loved Jesus. He was my hero. More than pop stars. More than footballers. More than God. God was by definition omnipotent and perfect. Jesus was a man. He had to work at it. He had temptation but defeated sin. He had integrity and courage. But He was my hero because He was kind. And He was kind to everyone. He didn’t bow to peer pressure or tyranny or cruelty. He didn’t care who you were. He loved you. What a guy. I wanted to be just like Him."

This is the Jesus I love and build my life upon.

Gervais also makes very good points when he blames some Christians for seeing faith as a get-out-of-jail free card. He is absolutely right to criticize that, and Strobel doesn't even address it in his reply. 

Jesus didn't come to give us a get-out-of-jail-free card. He came to redeem us from selfishness and sin, and transform us into new people - people who can partner up with him to transform the world. Too many Christians wallow in self-loathing, crying over what terrible sinners they are. I don't think Jesus is interested in that. I think he washed the past away so we could roll up our sleeves and act. Be agents of change, peacemakers, merciful people, not in order to earn God's love, but as a response to it.

And that is what Ricky Gervais doesn't get. He ticks the Ten Commandments, he says. I won't go into how whenever we love something or someone more than God, we effectively break commandments one and two - read any Evangelical book on the topic and they'll be quick to - rightly - point that out. Ricky is also right that using God's name to support hatred or gloat over one's enemies is what using God's name in vain is really about - I agree with his assessment 200%.

But what Ricky doesn't get is that Christianity isn't about ticking boxes and obeying rules. It's about responding to God's love, displayed throughout Jesus' life and death. Love so great that he gave his life for us. In the face of such love and grace, I am filled with awe, gratitude, and love. So of course I want to please God and do good - but not in order to win his love or approval. Instead, I want to do this because I know he loves me, and I want to love him back. Right living comes from gratitude and love, not from fear.

Outrageous

You may, or may not, be aware of a tragedy that ripped Belgium apart in 1996 - the Dutroux case.

Marc Dutroux abducted, raped and killed several girls ranging in age from 8 to 19. His wife, Michelle Martin, was aware of her husband's actions, and when he was held in custody for car theft for 3 months, her failure to feed two kidnapped girls, Julie and Melissa, led to their death. He was sentenced to like emprisonment without parole, and his wife was sentenced to 30 years for taking part in the abductions and causing the death of Julie and Melissa. My country was shaken with grief at these horrors.

In 2012, Michelle Martin was released, much to the victims' families' grief and outrage. At first, she stayed at a convent, until the nuns had to move out and decided against taking Michelle with them.

In the last few days, news came out that former judge Christian Panier was going to rent out part of his house to Michelle Martin. He argued that "reinsertion is what makes the difference between revenge justice and civilised justice", and that "there is always a glimmer of humanity deep in the heart of someone who has done something evil".

Julie's father denounced Christian Panier's decision to help the woman who caused the death of his daughter, and most members of the public share in his indignation. Indeed, her involvement in the abductions and deaths is seen as unredeemable by many. Moreover, many freed prisoners who were guilty of far lesser crimes are not given such help with their reinsertion into society, not to speak about those who, through no fault of their own, struggle to find or keep a roof over their heads. The very idea that Michelle Martin should enjoy such comfort is absolutely outrageous. Isn't she completely undeserving of such help, given that she hasn't even issued a public apology of any kind?

Absolutely outrageous.

Yet, this is exactly what the Christian gospel claims God has done for us. It claims that none of us are "good", that we have all rejected God in our hearts to have our own way instead. That, we believe, is the root of all evil in the world: our decision to do as we please, rather than to do what is good. Yet, God provided a way for us to be forgiven, by offering Jesus as a substitute, to die the death we deserve, so we can be reconciled to God. This is grace: to be given what we do not deserve. This is the message of Easter. And because we have been forgiven, we want to change - not to deserve God's love, but in response to it.

I believe that what Christian Panier is doing for Michelle Martin is an act of grace. Does she deserve it? No, absolutely not. Just as the gospel claims we did not deserve God's love. But maybe, once given that grace, it may spur her to a real change of heart. Grace is given freely, but its purpose is always transformation. Michelle Martin may or may not change, but the possibility is offered to her. She is free to take it, just like we are free to take the opportunity God give us to live a new life of grace and transformation.

Outrageous? Absolutely. Yet this is the God I believe in: a God of outrageous grace.

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There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. Romans 3:22-25

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Romans 5:6-10

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation. Colossians 1:21-22

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  1 John:9-10

Be careful what you pray for... God may answer yes!

As you know, I am deeply dissatisfied with my job, and one of my goals, this year, is to look into alternatives.

Last year, I registered as a freelance translator (I studied languages and translation originally), thinking I could do this on the side and build a client base. However, over the course of a whole year, I only had one translation request. I felt rather disheartened and stuck in a rut.

 A few days ago, I decided to ask for prayer in a Facebook Christian group I'm a part of. 

The very next day, I phoned an organisation in my area that offers private language classes to individuals and small groups. I wanted to offer my services as a language tacher, as I have doing it privately for a few friends. The director told me he had no opening for the moment. However, he is currently expanding his client base, and if all goes according to plan, in a couple of months' time he will need a new teacher of English to work with him. He sounded impressed with my level of English. He asked me to send my CV, referring to our phone conversation. This was already very positive.
 
Then later the same day, I received an email from the publishing director of a Christian publishing company. He got my details through a friend of mine and asked if I could make them an offer to translate a Christian book on ethics from English into French. He sent me a pdf copy. The book gives a brief overview of ethics and morals in the Western world throughout history, the influence of the Bible, Greek thought, the Enlightenment, and Christian theologians. It's very interesting and I enjoyed reading it. I emailed him back saying I'd be glad to translate it.

Today, I privately messaged a member of my Facebook group, asking her to keep praying. Within minutes of that message exchange, the publishing director called me! He said if the publising company's manager gives the OK, they'll send me a paper copy of the book.

I'm actually rather anxious, because I have only ever done one professional translation. It was very short (2 pages). Apart from this, I have translated various texts as a free service for friends. I have no real idea about the practical/professional side of things, and my training was such an awful long time ago!

My main cause for worry is that the author quotes (sometimes extensively) from other works on philosophy, religion and ethics (Thomas Aquinas, Kant, John Paul II, to name but three, as well as more recent and/or lesser known ones), so I'll have to find out whether those works have been translated in French so I can use the official translation. That will involve painstaking research, and I live in the middle of nowhere. I may need to plan a few trips to the nearest university!

The other worry, of course, is time. I already work 38 hours a week (and those are only my official hours, in reality I do 2 to 4 hours more every week), and as I mentioned, I do private English tuition as well. I'll have to be organised and disciplined. 

Right now I feel overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions. Gratitude and amazement at how God answered the prayers of my online community, excitment, joy, of course. But anxiety and nervousness as well because of the issues I mentioned above, and because I still have that nagging little voice of low self-esteem telling me I may not be able to do it. God answering prayers - that can be scary, sometimes.

All I can do is move forward one step at a time - walking in trust. If you're a praying person, would you please pray for me? 

Logo designed by my graphic designer friend Bélinda.