Battling depression: down in the dark and out the other side

As I wrote in my previous post, entering adulthood was a lonely experience for me. I felt depressed quite a lot, but a work-related burn-out and a break-up finally were the final straw and I spiralled deep into depression.

I was out of a job. My doctor advised me to exercise, so I went outside the house and walked for 3, 4 or 5 hours. However, I spent most of that time brooding about all my perceived failures, so it didn't help much. My sleeping patterns gradually got completely messed up - I would get up at 3pm and go to bed at 4am.

I had no energy at all. I felt empty - physically, mentally and emotionally. Even showering was too draining some days. Sometimes I would fall asleep on the sofa (I literally could not help it, I felt so drained and heavy-eyed) and sleep for hours, and I'd still feel tired when I'd wake up. I found no joy in the things I used to enjoy. For instance, I am an avid reader but back then, reading a book was too mentally exhausting. I also lost my appetite, even though I normally love food. But back then all I could manage to eat in a day was a small piece if toast and maybe an apple. My very skin felt heavy, dragging me down. I pictured my own death over and over - either contemplating suicide or wishing to die in an accident. It felt like only death could finally make the dull, constant pain in my soul stop (which I once explained in another post). What stopped me from doing it was knowing it would break the hearts of my loved ones.

As a treatment, I was put on antidepressants (Citalopram), which gave me the energy boost I needed to apply for a new job. I remember when I got back from the job interview, I collapsed on the sofa from sheer exhaustion and slept. Eventually, though, the antidepressants started to show their limits. They did not address the underlying issues that caused my depression. They also gave me a superficial feeling of happiness and of being invulnerable. I started to engage in risky behaviours. I drank too much. I slept around. But the fun I seemed to be having was only a shallow thing, an outer layer. Deep down, was still hurting, and empty, and drowning. I asked my doctor to reduce the doses until I was weaned off them. 

I want anyone reading this to understand that I am not saying, "Antidepressants are bad". I am just sharing what it was like for me personally - not two people are the same.

I went to see several counsellors, some of whom helped and some who did not. I also attended a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course and it gave me some tools that at least enabled me to fonction at work, but deep down I still felt the same.

Yet, eventually, gradually, I started to get better.

A friend once asked me, "How did you overcome it?" I wish I had a simple answer. I don't. Antidepressants helped me because they gave me enough energy to find a job. Therapy helped me because it meant I could talk through stuff and understand my own emotions better. A handful of friends were present for me - they didn't have a magic formula to make me better but they were there and that was important. 

During that time, I received my Asperger's diagnosis, and finally understanding why I was different was a relief. Knowing myself better also allowed me to avoid overwhelming situations whenever possible.

At some point, I moved out of a big flat that was a drain on my budget and that lifted a big weight off my shoulders. I also joined a wonderful church where I finally felt loved for who I was and supported.

Not a single of these things explain how I got better, but all of them helped. I started finding joy in little things of life again. I distinctly remember sitting in my new house and realizing I felt happy for no particular reason, for the first time in years. It doesn't mean I was OK after that but it was a turning point, and things got better and better.

Today, I feel like I am the happy woman I always was inside, the one that was waiting to come out. It doesn't mean I am entirely free from depression forever, but I can say with confidence that I am happy.

A time of violence and grief

I just switched on the news, and there it was. Another attack from "jihadists", this time targeting a church and murdering a priest. Violence goes on and on (and if we take off our Western-centered glasses for a second, we'll realise such attacks on Christians is nothing new at all).

I feel like my arms and legs have been cut off.

I want to believe in love, peace, and this crazy idea that we can all live together as the human brothers and sisters that we are. Yet, such horrendous acts scream at me that it cannot be. That humans are always going to tear each other apart. That I'd better give up on hope and love and peace. That I should be afraid of Muslims - afraid of the men and women and children I look after at the centre for asylum seekers and of the many other Muslims who live in my country. That I should hide away from them, be wary of them, push them out of my life and even out of my country. Just in case.

I don't want to listen to the screams of terrorism. I don't want to stop loving the people I work with. I don't want terrorism to colour my dealings with the Muslims I come across.

Let us not forget that Daesh aims to divide us, to create a rift between Muslims and the Western world. Let us not allow them to create that rift. Let us not allow them to divide us. I have said it before and I will say it again: the majority of Muslims are as appalled as we are. Besides, in Daesh-controlled territories, they are targeted too. Blaming Muslims and rejecting them will only create more tension, more hatred, and more potential terrorists. This is why I want to love Muslims and offer them my friendship: because I believe this is the only way we can resist a spiral of hatred and violence. To me, this is the only sustainable weapon we have against terrorism.

If you are grieving for Father Jacques Hamel, do not forget what he stood for: he was a Christian, he believed in Jesus Christ. And Jesus Christ asked us to love our enemie and pray for them. Is it hard? Yes, it is. It is hard, painful, heart-wrenching, and dangerous. But this is what Jesus asks, and this is what Jesus did. He was brutally murdered, yet he prayed for his murderers. Jesus gave his life out of love for his enemies.

If you are a Christian, don't forget this: we are supposed to fight hate with love, persecution with prayer, evil with good. And if you are not a Christian, remember all that Father Jacques Hamel stood for, all he believed in. He would not want you to respond with hatred and vengeance.

Unity and disagreement

This is the third post of a series on something that is extremely important to me: the Christian faith. As I explained yesterday, I have come to question certain beliefs I used to have; but I have always held on to the basics of the Christian faith.

The apostle Paul sums it up in 1 Corinthians 15:3-4: "For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures,  that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures." It's the most simple expression of the Christian creed. A more elaborate version is the Apostles' Creed, also known as Symbol of the Apostles:

"I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; he descended into hell. On the third day he rose again; he ascended into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic (i.e. universal) Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting." 

Christians believe this and live in the light of it. Those are the essentials, the fundamentals. If a Christian questioned the existence of God, the divinity of Jesus, his death for our sins and his resurrection, I would question whether that person really understands what it means to be a Christian.

However, there are also a number of issues on which not all Christians agree. None of these issues are core to the Gospel, they're what I'd call peripheral issues. I learnt a wonderful word while I was translating a Christian book on ethics: irenic. Irenic means favouring peace and conciliation, especially in light of disagreements on Christian doctrine. How I wish Christians could be irenic when it comes to issues that are not core to the Christian message!

Some Christians believe God created the world in 6 days about 6,000 years ago, while some others don't see any contradiction between the scientific theory of evolution and the Bible (they believe God could have used and directed the evolutionary process). 

Some Christians believe that spectacular gifts of the Spirit such as speaking in tongues, prophesy, or healing only occured in apostolic times, while others think they still happen today.

Some Christians believe they should abstain from alcohol.

Some Christians believe women should not teach men in the church, whereas other churches let gifted women preach, teach and lead services.

Some Christians believe that those called to ministry ought to remain single, while others see no problem with married ministers.

Some Christians believe they should tithe (give 10% of all your income to charity), others believe they should just give what they have resolved in their hearts to give.

Some Christians are staunch pacifists while others feel in some cases, it is right and just to fight. 

Some Christians couples believe having children is a biblical mandate and that therefore, they should not use any form of contraception. Others believe there is nothing wrong with planning how many children, if any, they want to have.

... Some Christians believe that homosexuality is always a sin, whereas others believe that loving, committed relationships between two partners of the same sex are approved by God.

And there's the rub. This has become a non-negotiable issue for many Christians: believing anything else than the inherent sinfulness of homosexuality, whatever the circumstances, is seen as nothing short of heresy.

I think differently. I believe this is one of many issues over which Christians ought to agree to disagree. I believe we need to be irenic about it!

PS: The purpose of this post is not to defend my personal position on any of those issues, but to aknowledge the existence of doctrinal differences within the Christian faith that do not threaten or put into question the basics of the Gospel.

The foundations of my faith

In this blog, I already explained how I came to faith, and why I believe. Today, I want to explain precisely what I believe and what the foundations or my faith are. Those beliefs are based on the Bible so I have included Bible references.

1. I believe in one creator God, one in three persons – the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. We often say that “God is love”. Yet, love cannot exist without a recipient, and this is the mystery of the tri-une God: although he is one, he is three persons who love one another: at the heart of God is relationship from the very beginning. I believe God is loving, good, true, and just; I believe he is eternal, omniscient (all-knowing) and omnipotent (all-powerful). I believe he is the source of everything good, true, just and beautiful. I believe he caused the whole universe to come into being. I believe God designed human beings with free will – that is, we are not robots, we are free to choose between good and evil, love and hate, justice and injustice. I believe he made us in his own image, that is, beings that are capable of choices, beings of relationships, and beings of creativity, amongst other things. I believe he made us so we could enjoy a loving relationship with him. (Genesis 1-3; Matthew 28:19; John 1, 10:30, 14:8-11, 26, 17:3; 1 John 4:8)

2. I believe Jesus is God incarnate in human flesh. I believe he was born, lived and died as a human in Roman-occupied Israel at the beginning of the 1^st century as recorded in the New Testament Gospels. I believe he was crucified, was buried, and rose again. I believe he is alive eternally. Everything we need to know about God, we find in Jesus - he shows us exactly what God is like. (The Gospels - see especially John 1)

3. I believe that as humans we are all sinners, and sin separates us from God and deserves our death, for a just God cannot tolerate evil. I believe sin is in our nature but manifests itself in different ways in different people. I believe individual sins are the result of our inward attitude. Sin is my selfishness and ego, putting myself first and above everything else including God. Making myself my own God and rejecting the true God. Consequences both now (broken world, broken individual lives) and eternally (our ultimate destruction). I believe in sin because I see it both in my own life and heart, and in the world. (Genesis 3, Romans 1-3)

4. I believe that although God cannot tolerate evil, he still loves us more than we can imagine and didn't want to leave us in this dire situation. Because God loves us, he came to earth as Jesus: to make himself known to us, to extend his saving hand, and ultimately to die in our place, to die the death we deserve, so we could live, be forgiven of our wrongdoings, and enjoy a reconciled relationship with God, others, the world and ourselves. I believe Jesus’ death was the atoning sacrifice through which God chose to reconcile humanity to himself. I believe the process of redemption concerns not just individuals, but communities and ultimately the whole world. Each individual is responsible for his own acceptance of God’s work in their lives, but God’s goal is to redeem the whole world, transform it, renew it. (John 3:16-18; Romans 3:23-25, 5, 8:19-22)

5. I believe the Spirit of God lives in every believer and gives him both the will and the ability to change and become a better human day by day. This is what Christians call sanctification. I believe redemption and sanctification are a process that lasts a lifetime. (Matthew 10:20; John 7:39, 14:17, 26; 16:13; Acts 1-2)

6. I believe the universal church is the community of all those who trust in and follow Jesus as their God and Saviour. I believe we are called to spread the message of the gospel (good news) of God’s love for humanity, not just through words but through actions. I believe God wants us to partner with him to redeem this world. I believe Christian are called to form communities together where they can encourage each other, support each other, teach each other and pray for each other. (Acts)

7. I believe in the Bible. I believe it has been written by humans and inspired by God. I believe it tells us the Great Story about God, about the world, and about ourselves. I believe it contains commands to follow, principles to apply, examples to follow and virtues to cultivate. I also believe that it needs careful interpretation, given the variety of literary genres, historical and cultural contexts, and original recipients it was addressed to. I believe studying the Bible is fundamental for every Christian. (2 Timothy 3:16)

8. I believe in prayer. I believe that when we talk to God, he listens, he cares and he acts, although not always in the way we imagined, because he has infinite knowledge of everything we and the world need, while we don’t. (Matthew 7:7-11; Luke 11:1-13; John 14: 13-14, 16:23-26)

Coming out - and standing against evil

Today, I wish to share with you something I have been wrestling with for a long, long time, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

Last September, I explained how I had become a Christian. Of course, understanding who Jesus is and what he did for us is just the beginning. Most churches spend time teaching believers what it means to live as a Christian. And a subject Evangelical churches like to cover is sexual ethics, which brings me to the main point of my post. I was taught early on that according to the Bible, homosexual behaviour is sin. Verses from Leviticus, Romans and 1 Corinthians are often used to back this up, as well as the general idea that God created humans male and female to enjoy a complementary relationship, and that human marriage reflects the relationship between Jesus and the church. So I took it all on board, which was easy enough since it didn't apply to me - after all, I am straight, right?

As it happens, the university I attended the following year seemingly had a significant proportion of people who identified as gay. As a consequence, I decided to investigate the matter further in order to understand them better. In my opinion, before trying to share the good news of God's love for humankind, one has to put oneself in the other person's shoes and have empathy with their plight, whatever it may be. I read Striving for Gender Identity, a book that adheres to the traditional view, but attempts to explain the underlying causes of homosexuality. In short, the book presents homosexuality as failure to identify with one's gender, and a resulting attraction for what is a mystery to one - one's own gender (whereas in heterosexual attraction, the appeal resides in the fact that the opposite sex is somewhat of a mystery). The book also claimed that homosexuality could be cured by first reconciling the person with his or her gender. Again, from an outsider's perspective, I thought that made very good sense, and so I began to see homosexuals as people who suffered from a psychological condition. In any case, people I ought to treat with kindness. It's also around that time that I began to realise no one chooses to be gay, not any more than I chose to be straight.

Years passed, and I met a variety of people, including people who identify as gay. They were real people, with their life stories and emotions. They were faces and smiles and tears; people I could relate to. I also met Christians who didn't consider homosexuality as a sin. This puzzled me somewhat, and I started reading up more about it. Over the years, I read many well-thought out arguments that claimed homosexuality was not necessarily a sin according to the Bible. I heard the voice of Christians who said this is an area where we ought to agree to disagree. I also read stories of people who were badly emotionally damaged by so-called "gay cures".

Then, last year, Christian singer Vicki Beeching came out. I knew her because she led worship at Spring Harvest one of the years I went. She is a committed Christian who loves God deeply. What moved me to my core was her honest recount of the suffering she went through, how hard she tried "not to be gay", and how she pleaded with God, in tears, to free her from her homosexuality. And he didn't. 

I couldn't help but think, "Hang on, if God loves us so much he actually died for us, why would he let his child beg him to deliver her from her own sin, and not free her from it?" Unless it wasn't a sin at all. 

Two days ago, Tony Campolo, a prominent evangelical speaker, spoke out in favour of gay marriage. He is one of a growing number.
 
So where do I stand now? I will give you my 100% honest answer. I do not know. I do not know whether homosexuality is a sin or not. I have read countless arguements for both sides and they make good sense - on both sides. So I am sitting on the fence. But maybe that is not the point.

Maybe I wasn't called to make a judgement on this. Maybe as Christians, we are called to love and welcome everyone just as they are, just as they stand, as Jesus did. Maybe, just maybe it's better to "err on the side of compassion", as Christian blogger Benjamin Corey puts it. 

What I do know, though, is that Jesus calls us to speak out against oppression and the dehumanization of people. In some countries, homosexuality is punishable by death, and, horrendously enough, this has been supported by Western Christians. In the US, homosexuals have been denied access to services on the basis of their sexual orientation. That, I believe, is wrong. That, I believe, is sinful. 

And so this is my coming out. I am an ally.

I may not be certain of what I believe on the issue, but I am an ally. I choose not to discriminiate against gays. I choose to support them in their plight. I do not believe there is a "gay agenda" trying to throw our society into chaos. I believe there are human beings who need the same thing I do - love and acceptance. I believe there are couples in love who simply want the right to live together, the right to visit their life partner in hospital, or inherit from him should the worst happen. Gays do not choose to be attracted to someone of the same sex. No one wakes up one morning thinking, "Hey, I think I'm gonna try this gay thing". Their sexual orientation more often than not sets them up for bullying, discrimination, or worse. 

Moreover, I think there are far more serious issues facing our world today, such as child trafficking or the exploitation of people by big corporations in order to make profit. 

Franklin Graham, the son of famous evangelist Billy Graham, very recently deplored the "moral decay" that he ascribes to the gay agenda, and has decided to move his money out of a bank that used a homosexual couple in their advertising. He says, 

"Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention."

Why, Mr Graham, I wholeheartedly agree. I hope, therefore, that you do not buy anything from big corporations (Monsanto or Nestlé, for instance) who make profit by exploiting human beings (who are bearers of the image of God) and destroying God's creation (that he gave us stewardship of). I hope you and your organisation put your money in banks that invest in ethical businesses, not in said human-exploiting corporations. I hope you strive to buy fair-traded coffee and chocolate to ensure no child has been enslaved to produce what you consume. Do use your power as a consumer to stand against evil. But do it thoroughly, and about the issues that really matter. You are strangely silent on blatant social injustice. People are enslaved and exploited so we, Westerners, can keep enjoying all our little luxuries. That, in my opinion, is a far more serious "moral decay" that people like you conveniently ignore.

As for me, I'll always try my best to be an ally to those who suffer. I will choose compassion over judgement.

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Further reading on the issue of homosexuality and Christianity: Matthew Vines' book God and the Gay Christian;  blog series by Preston Sprinkle and Jeff Cook "Discussing Homosexuality: a Better Way".

What is church for, anyway?

Possibly the most significant aspect of my life is faith.

I told elsewhere how I came to it, and why I still believe despite going through hard times and wrestling with difficult questions. Faith is my breath of life; it's what motivates me, keeps me going, challenges me. It runs through my veins.

When talking about the Christian faith, soon enough the question of church comes into play. Is it compulsory? Is it useful?

When I first became a Christian, going to church was a normal part of my life. The reason for this was simple: it was my main social circle as an expatriate. When I went back to Belgium, I joined a church with my mother and joined a student Bible study group at university.

Back then, I thought church had two main uses: worship and teaching. I love singing as a form of expression, and worship songs enable me to express my faith and my love for God. Then there was the teaching: church was the main place where I could learn about Jesus, God, the Bible, and how I should live my life. This latter aspect seemed very important back then - preachers spent a lot of time telling you how to interpret what the Bible says about how you should live and what you should believe. I took it all in and strove to live up to it - usually not very successfully, but that's the topic of another post.

The community aspect of it was more complicated for me. I guess most people find it easy to mingle with similar-minded people. In my case, it's a little different. I need structure. If I can join a Bible study/discussion group, it usually works out. The purpose is clear: I know what to do, I love asking questions, learning, enquiring, throwing ideas around. The tricky time is on Sundays, right after the service has ended. People form loose groups and make small talk, and I never quite know what to do. I linger around, flick through some books, and try to find someone I know who isn't busy chatting to someone else. Most of the time I feel uncomfortable. I know now that this is because of my autism, but I didn't know that back then.

At some point in my life, I struggled with depression. That is when church and I started to have our issues. Church wasn't there for me in my time of trial. So I wasn't there for church, either.

Eventually, though, I overcame depression - and one significant aspect was that I found a church that helped me. Did it help me through teaching or worship? Nope. It helped me through community. They welcomed me in very practical ways: inviting me over for Sunday lunch or just for a cup of tea, offering genuine friendship, and supporting me in my struggles without judging me.

Since then, I have thought and read a lot about the concept of church.

The French word for church, "église", comes from the greek word ἐκκλησία (ekklesia), meaning "assembly".

I feel that is what church really is.

Church is not primarily a building. Church is not primarily a place of worship or teaching. Church is a community of people. My friend Mike put very simply what those people have in common: "Ordinary people who know someone extraordinary". We believe - trust in - Jesus. 

Another one of my friends, Robert, wrote about the hypocrisy of those who think coming to the Sunday service is enough. I tend to agree with him. Sunday service is not enough. A church I used to attend closed its service with those words: "The worship has ended, let the service begin".

Church is solidarity. Church is organising a Christmas meal for those in your neighbourhood who would otherwise spend that day alone. Church is ringing up someone who is going through tough shit, and listen to them ranting without interrupting them with unasked-for advice or trite words of wisdom such as, "God only gives you as much as you can handle". Church is supporting people and people supporting you; people helping you to grow in faith and in love, to grow into the person God intended you to be.

This is why I still go to church, even though I don't always agree with the teachings, or the songs are not as inspiring as I'd like: because of the people. Because they're my community, my family, warts and all.

Whenever you are kind to someone, whenever you lend a helping hand, whenever you pray for someone: you are church. Whenever you stand up against injustice and speak up for those who are suffering: you are church. Whenever you get together for support, you are church. Whenever you do all this, and you do it because of Jesus, you are church.

It is so much more than a Sunday thing.