Cast the first stone

I wrote this poem a few years ago and it feels quite fitting today, relating to a situation I won't get into because it's personal.

"Cast the first stone

Cast the first stone, why don't you?

Cast the stone on the adulteress who's crouching in the dust
never mind the nameless man who was with her

Cast the stone on the drug addict who's shaking all over
never mind the one who first sold him powdered dreams
Cast the stone on the loser who cannot pull his life together
never mind that he never had any hope to stand upon

Cast the stone on the lost child looking for boundaries
Cast the stone on the lost soul looking for purpose.

Cast the first stone, why don't you?

Cast the stone of your judgement
Cast the stone of your fears
Cast the stones of your own shortcomings and insecurities.

Cast the first stone, why don't you?

Condemn with your righteous hearts
Cast your cursing stones upon the sinner.

Have you forgotten?
You'll be buried under the stones you've thrown
They will be the monument on your grave

Because Jesus said:

He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone. (John 8:7)

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37 and Matthew 7:2)

Have you forgotten?
It was the tax collector
the sinner
the outcast
who went home forgiven
not the religious man boasting about his own spirituality.
(Luke 18:9-14).

Because Jesus said:

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners. (Mark 2:17)"

The car made me love the song (or how advertising failed)

According to Wikipedia, advertising is "a form of marketing communication used to encourage, persuade, or manipulate an audience to take or continue to take some action" - usually, to buy a product. I find it interesting that the term "manipulate" is used in this definition, because that's exactly what marketing does, in the end: it manipulates you into thinking you really need this product (even though you probably really don't).

I work in a supermarket, so I see it everyday. Offering free trinkets with every purchase - for instance, "if I buy this packet of biscuits I usually don't eat, I'll get a batman wallet" (ok, I fell for that one. And I'm not even using the wallet!). So-called discounts spreading the lie that the more you buy, the more money you'll save ("buy two, get the third one free"). 100% reimbursed products - but how many of us are really going to bother sending back the product packaging and receipt to the manufacturer along with our contact and bank details in order to get a few euros/pounds/dollars back?

Advertising uses carefully crafted images to convey its message, and its bottom line is "buying our product will make you happier". It pulls all of our strings, from our need for security to our desire for sex - how many brands use irrealistically beautiful and "sexy" models to make us long for what we see? As Tyler Durden famously said in Fight Club, "Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need". I find that to be increasingly true now that I make a conscious effort to be aware of it. There are so many things I see in shops and on TV that, truth be told, I really don't want at all. Of course, I still have some weaknesses. I am a sucker for clothes, as I have explained elsewhere (1); yet, I don't feel the urge to buy new clothes as much as I used to, and I rarely look twice into a shop window these days. I'd rather buy secondhand (if anything, it's cheaper!). Socrates is reported to have said, while looking at a mass of things for sale, "How many things I have no need of!". I would like that to be my philosophy when it comes to shopping.

I can get really annoyed at TV adverts. Take so-called breakfast biscuits. Advertisers would have us believe that they are healthy, nutritious, and will fill you up until lunchtime, when at the end of the day, they're no more than glamourized biscuits - or so I shouted at the TV, much to my boyfriend's amusement.

Lately, I saw a car advert on TV and I quite liked it. It had interesting aesthetics, changing a cityscape into an Arizona landscape, together with elderly people throwing crumbs to eagles rather than pigeons. It also used a very catchy tune that I hadn't heard before.

But the advertisers completely failed in their goal. I have never had any interest in buying their car. However, I did really want to know about the tune they used. So now, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros can thank Peugeot for directing me to their song, "Home".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(1) If you remember this story, where I wrestle with the idea of buying a new dress, you may want to know that I didn't buy it new. I found a similar one of the same brand on a second-hand website. Yay!

Top anxiety triggers for people with autism

As you probably know if you've been reading my blog, I have Asperger's syndrome, which is an autistic spectrum disorder. Today, something happened at work that reminded me of how fragile I can be, and I decided to share what happened and how it affected me.

I had just begun my shift. It was early in the morning and I was putting fresh loaves of bread on the shelves. All of a sudden, a loud hooting sound resonated behind me.

It made me jump. It made my heart race and my head swim; my hands became clammy. It brought tears to my eyes and a sudden feeling of rage rose in my chest. I turned around and saw my colleague standing on the forklift truck, laughing. He realised straight away I was upset and shrugged, "Smile, it was just a joke!"

A joke isn't funny when it's at someone else's expense. As it happens, loud, sudden noises cause me a lot of anxiety, and it can affect how I feel for the rest of the day. Here are the top 3 anxiety triggers for people with autism - people like me.

1. Uncertainty - not knowing what is happening or what is going to happen, or not knowing what is expected of us. You may know that people with autism need routines. What you may not know is that this is not just a preference. When something unexpected happens, we feel completely at loss, and we panic.

Most daily rules and routines change because of circumstances, but people with autism really struggle with that. For instance, you may have forbidden your autistic child from going in the laundry room because you don't want them to touch the washing machine. But today, your child has been playing outside and their clothes are covered in mud, so you take them straight to the laundry room to undress. The child will not understand why they're being taken in a place that is forbidden. The resulting tantrum or lack of compliance is not a display of bad behaviour, but a display of deep anxiety. You need to either stick to the rule, or, if your child has enough understanding, explain how, under those circumstances and under your supervision, they may come into the previously forbidden room.

2. Social interactions. We may struggle to understand social cues (or even language) or to communicate appropriately. Or, if we have been trained to act in the socially appropriate way, it still doesn't come naturally, and the effort is exhausting. If we have to interact with people we don't know well, or not at all, we have the extra stress of not knowing how that person will act. Social norms that we find difficult may be imposed on us. For instance, in my area, most people like to greet each other with a peck on the cheek. Refusing to do so is considered as rude as refusing to shake hands (something that many autistic people don't like, either!). Yet, letting someone touch my face requires trust, so I feel really uncomfortable when colleagues or regular customers insist on greeting me in that manner. I daren't refuse because I don't want to be rude, but it makes me feel anxious and stressed.

3. Sensory issues. Most of us are highly sensitive to light, noise, or touch. Sudden, loud noises cause me physical discomfort or pain, and set me on edge for a long time. So do unexpected touches - people may touch my shoulder in what they mean to be a friendly manner, but if I do not expect it, I will jump. Always make sure an autistic person is fine with you touching them before you do so - and by the way, should not that apply to everyone? My body isn't public property. I am the only one who should decide when it's OK for someone else to touch it.

People with autism struggle with things that most people take for granted. Please, keep those things in mind.

I am a serial procrastinator.

I have been procrastinating all afternoon. End result: it's dinner time, and no blog post has been written.

I meant to write it, though. I really did. I spent about an hour yesterday, as I was getting the croissants baked and the bread on the shelves at work, writing a blog post in my mind about discrimination. It was very good, except, of course, I couldn't write it down at the time. I just thought I'd do that during my afternoon off today.

Only problem is, all of sudden other things came to my attention, like folding the laundry and putting more laundry up to dry, answering a few messages from friends, reading a few dozens articles about, in no particular order, immigration, the Walking Dead, homosexuality, different opinions on Halloween, and Pope Francis' views on evolution. I also felt the sudden urge to check whether anyone else on the Internet had noticed that little worrying thing in the new credits of The Walking Dead - turns out no one has, except my friend D. in America.

Why does this keep happening? I love writing. I love blogging. Whenever I'm out and about or at work, my mind is buzzing with ideas.

Then, when I turn the computer on, my mind somehow behaves like a squirrel on speed, jumping from one branch of information to the next, and not getting anything creative done. I can't even blame ADHD - I don't have ADHD.

So here is my poor excuse for an apology, dear readers. I shall write that blog about discrimination, I promise. Just not today.

Finding the positive

As I said in my latest post, I try to look at the positive in my job. I even made a list!

1.  I have been brought up to believe in the value of work. Working, even in a seemingly menial job, is worthwhile for many reasons. By supporting myself, I am ensuring my independence. In addition, I am making myself useful.

2. My boss may be a bit rough around the edges and a very bad communicator, but I believe he is a kind man. He has had to deal with difficult things in his life and did the best he could, and I have a lot of respect for him. He is also quite understanding of my condition, even though he doesn't really get it - apparently, you can be understanding even when you don't understand it all...

3. I get on well with my colleagues. We can have interesting conversations and a good laugh - one them has started reading a science magazine for kids after seeing me doing it, which I think is pretty awesome.

4. I can practice being kind and caring to people even here, as some of our customers, especially the elderly, suffer from loneliness and are happy to have someone to talk to, even for a few minutes. It's a good challenge to try and be kind to people you don't really like, or when you're feeling tired and cranky. And I really think that putting a smile on people's faces is infinitely worthwhile. I can be a positive force in this world, just by doing this.

5. The stress involved with being responsible for consumer goods is not at intense as the stress involved with being responsible for people. As a teaching assistant, a mistake on my part could mean a child would get hurt. In my current job, we may have to throw away some bread I left in the oven for too long from time to time, but no lives are at stake.

6. Talking of which, I love baking the bread. They may be industrial pre-baked loaves and baguettes, but the wholesome smell is wonderful as they come out of the oven all golden and crispy and gorgeous.

7. I have discovered how to use the Force.The big shutter door that separates the storeroom from the store itself opens itself automatically when you walk through it. They think it's because it has sensors... but I know the truth *gestures to the shutter door theatrically and watches it raise in time with her hand*

8. I can see the most dangerous creatures from up close (no, I'm not talking about customers, although...). The first time I had to empty the bin, I was told to bring it to the "Molok". Now, I don't know about you, but in my mind, the name Molok conjures up some kind of underground demon, made of the darkest darkness, with eyes like furnaces and a mouth whose appetite can never be satisfied. Never mind that the Molok is actually a giant, half-buried garbage disposal unit outside the store - in my vivid imagination, he's still some mythical monster. Whenever I bring bins to the Molok, I am really glad he only wants to eat garbage, not me.

9. All this physical exercice is getting me fit. Lifting heavy boxes and carrying them up stepladders, jumping on and off the platform in the storeroom (I can't be bothered to use the stairs), running around trying to get everything done. And even better, I get karate-kid-style training. Cleaning the glass doors of all the fridges in my department means almost two hours of "wax-on, wax-off" arm exercice. I'll be a black belt by Christmas.

10. I can up my resistance to extreme temperature by going from the freezer room (minus 18° Celsius°) to the oven (200° Celsius). With this, and the physical training, I'll be physically ready for the zombie apocalypse.

Is my job worthwhile?

I have been working in a supermarket for almost two years now.

How did someone with two university degrees (one in languages, one in education), experience in administrative work, education, and support of young people with disabilities end up in a supermarket?

The straightforward answer is that it is better than no job at all. The more detailed answer is that finding clients as a translator is harder than I had imagined; teaching assistant positions are non-existent in Belgium; and working with people with disabilities requires a Belgian qualification that I do not have.

I remember telling an acquaintance about my current supermarket work. His immediate response was, "Not really worthwhile, then, is it?"

That's a tell-tale response. Regardless of whether I like my job or not, does working as a supermarket employee make me a lesser person? It shouldn't, yet, in people's expectations, it somehow does. Even in mine - I am always a bit embarrassed and apologetic about it. Why is this? I shouldn't have to be. People seem to consider that if someone works in a supermarket, they must be uneducated and not very smart. They never stop to consider the skills involved in managing tills, for instance - a task so complex that I've proven unable to handle it - or in managing orders of food on a big scale - another task that my manager does in my stead because he knows I don't have the skills for it. 

Even if this position doesn't fit my training and skills, at the end of the day, it means I work. I don't take advantage of the benefit system. I try and do my job to the best of my abilities, I work hard, and I endeavour to be pleasant and helpful to everyone (and trust me, being pleasant to people can be challenging when you have Asperger's - more often than not you say the wrong thing when trying to be nice and sociable, and people look at you funny). So why should my job not be considered worthwhile?

I try and look at the positive of my job, even though it's not easy.

Why do I believe?

One of my favourite bloggers recently posted about his foundational reason to believe in God. To me, that is a very important question to reflect upon. Blind faith can be very dangerous; it can lead to fundamentalism, extremism, and the refusal to question one’s own attitudes and actions.

Why do I believe?

I have always believed in the existence of God. It may have been the result of a vaguely Christian upbringing; in any case, believing in God came as naturally to me as the belief that my mother loved me. Like so many people, I look at the breath-taking awesomeness of the universe and I can only believe Someone is somehow at the source of it all.

When I started looking into Christianity more closely, at the age of 18, rational arguments, literary parables and personal experience all played a part in my conversion. The course I attended argued that the New Testament can be considered historically reliable; maybe more so than most ancient texts. At the same time, I read C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia, and Aslan’s offering his own life for Edmund’s vividly illustrated Christ’s death on the cross to me. And, as explained in my post, the turning point was praying and experiencing an inner conviction that the gospel was true.

Over the years, I have seen and experienced suffering, and I have wrestled with many texts in the Bible that I find difficult to stomach. I constantly try to understand it all better, and constantly question the way I have been interpreting things. Yet there is one event that has sustained my trust in God all these years.

In my early twenties, I visited a Christian community in Germany and a preacher addressed the issue of God’s love. Can there really be a God of love, in a world so full of suffering, or is He some cosmic tyrant enjoying our pain? His proposed answer was simple, yet compelling to me: “You can die for your children, not for your toys.”

I am convinced that Jesus really was God incarnate, because it permeates through every page of the gospels. That incarnate God willingly let humans kill Him in the most gruesome way, and claimed to do it out of love for us. There may be many things I don’t understand, struggle with, and feel confused about. I may wrestle with issues and cry out to God, “Why?” I may not have it all figured out. But because Jesus lived and died, I am convinced of this: there is a God, and He cares.

Faith does give me a sense of purpose, of being loved and cared for no matter the circumstances. But the reason I believe boils down to one person. Jesus of Nazareth.